Friday, July 25, 2014

Dietbet Update

I'm down 5.5 lbs from my original weigh in. I haven't had weight loss over the past 2 days and gained a little… losing track of calories is usually the culprit and not having time to exercise. One day I was taking a rest from a hard P90x workout the day before and the next I spent cooking and cleaning and then we had guests for dinner that evening.  We also ran out of protein powder and a lot of my go to healthy breakfasts have included protein powder. I decided to try a healthy organic protein powder this time around. Mainly because I feel like I eat all healthy foods… except this funny artificial protein powder that comes in a purple.. bag. And it makes me a little bit uncomfortable when bubba has protein powder pancakes with us or some other protein powdered concoction. I worry about it having chemicals too and the artificial sweetener. So i'm trying something called Garden of Life Raw Organic Meal Vanilla from Amazon.  Someone from the diet bet page actually suggested it. I hope its edible!

Today we tried P90x yoga. UGHHHHH.  I'm so tired of weighing so much that a lot of things hurt my body in weird ways. The yoga involved a lot of planks and downward dog poses over and over. It started really killing my wrists. Danny always suggests we do side planks or the triceps thing where you lift yourself off of furniture behind you.. but these things put too much pressure on whatever part of my body is making contact with the ground. #Fatgirlproblems.  We didn't make it all the way through and turned it off and did a few sit ups, crunches and oblique exercises. I felt sick and fatigued after- I think because I hadn't and any protein with breakfast. (See, hope that powder comes soon.)  I wish there was just ONE exercise type activity that I actually enjoyed. Not yet i'm afraid.  But i'll keep trying. 

Danny got switched to a mid shift today. So I took The Destroyer for a walk after dinner. It was stupid hott and humid out still! 90 degrees! Ew. He enjoyed it though. I started out very slowly and kind of picked up and powered through the second half. I kept thinking about something that irritates the crap out of me. When people say to me "You're so pretty you could be a plus sized model." I know I know. "Don't be so offended they were just trying to say you're pretty… aside from being overweight." But, it makes me so mad. That phrase pounded in my hot sweaty brain for the power walk portion of our stroll. Do they HAVE to specify? I don't get it. If you're trying to compliment them just compliment them. And YOU could be a poster child for stupid insensitive people anonymous!  Only your face would be on it so it wouldn't be… anonymous…. o.O 

We are leaving on our trip to Idaho in a few days. I hope I can keep with it and not blow my diet bet! I was thinking of buying some of those carb control protein shakes for while i'm there to kind of balance things out and have a no thinking involved meal replacement option if I need one. We'll see. 

!00% Whole Wheat Bread

I've been trying out a few different 100% whole wheat bread recipes lately.  My mom made bread while I was growing up but I think her recipe is 1/2 white and 1/2 wheat.  A good friend of mine had a recipe I enjoyed when I visited but when I tried it myself something seemed off! I kept having to add cups and cups of flour! Anyway never figured out what went wrong there…. maybe a mess up somewhere when giving me the recipe? I tried a few more random ones I found online but none were quite light enough for sandwiches or anything. I ran across some gluten on sale at Kroger (ALWAYS check the health food clearance section!) I found a recipe that called for gluten and it DID turn out better than the last but still… didn't quite hit the lightness I was hoping for.  Someone in the ward suggested a previous ward members bread recipe- she sent me the link last week and we're already on our second batch!

Here it is! Note, I usually half it. The portions end up kinda funny but it works fine. PS there are three tsp in a tablespoon so one of those measurements is going to be 1 T and a little less than a full tsp.  (on the yeast and lemon juice) I didn't realize on my first try that it was actually instant yeast (bread machine yeast) instead of active dry. But when I made my second batch with the right kind I couldn't tell a difference. I also let mine rise a little longer than she says. It turned out really great! I'm happy with this one and think i'll stick to it. It doesn't taste quite as rich to me right out of the oven but I think that's because it's so much lighter thanks to the gluten.  The center's weren't doughy either!  I got some local honey and hope to get my own wheat to  grind soon to make our next batch with! I don't know why that makes me so happy… haha little red hen-ing it up over har.


Chocolate Monkey Oatmeal

We had Chocolate Monkey Oatmeal for breakfast this morning! I wanted to post the recipe, mostly so I don't for get it :)

1 Cup Rolled Oats
1 Cup Almond Milk
1 Cup Water
1/4 t. Cinnamon
1/2 t. Vanilla
1 mashed ripe banana

Banana slices for topping

Mix all ingredients in a pot. Bring to boil on high heat, when boiling turn to low heat and let simmer for about 5 min or until it's the thickness you like. We  topped ours with more banana slices and a few chocolate chips and used chocolate almond breeze almond milk on top as well.

About 400 cal, 2.5 servings. (the .5 was just enough for little bubba :) ) 

Tuesday, July 22, 2014


After much thought I decided to open up a little bit about some of my struggles. I've come to realize this year that maybe yo-yoing 70, 50, etc pounds over and over isn't normal. That maybe it's really not my fault that I just don't seem to have what it takes no matter how hard I want it it… I just cannot find it in myself at times. I get so angry at myself for being "all talk" and no action. Why? What's going in in me that keeps me from my goals?

You see… life is hard. It is hard for mostly everyone. And sometimes change, rejection, loneliness, health problems, pain, hormones, childbirth, moving, death, loss, abandonment, abuse, violence, poverty, stress… sometimes they're more than some of us can handle.

This year during our second pregnancy I started experiencing a level of depression that was concerning. It wasn't the first time. But it got to a point that I decided to tell my OBGYN about it. After lots of questions they decided I needed medication and therapy. I had been prescribed medication before… by my diabetes specialist, but I hadn't taken it, unsure that it was necessary and fearing side effects and stigma. At any rate I decided not to take what the OB had prescribed either; due to it being a class C medication. I feared what it could do to our baby. I remembered learning in my counseling and therapy class during my time studying psych at BYUI that often therapy was just as useful and Danny and I decided together that we would give that a try first. I kept the prescription though to use if things got worse.

And then we lost our baby. In retrospect I'm extremely grateful I decided not to take that medication. I know that with as much guilt as I have felt in losing our baby having done nothing to endanger that little developing baby I would have always wondered if it had been my fault due to the medication. I'm so grateful I don't have to experience that guilt.

I continued to see my counselor and was searching for an answer to that WHY i'd mentioned above. I wanted so badly to fix whatever was going on in my head that caused me to not be able to "get over" and "move past" my weight issues and just freakin' do it! Get fit, and stay that way. After a lot of up and down and having to change therapists… I came to a point with my weight a couple of months ago where I felt helpless and hopeless and desperate again. I went to my doctor to ask about weight loss medication. I never wanted any… but I felt at that point of desperation that I thought it my last resort. She said no. I tried explaining to her that depression makes it so very hard to lose weight, hard to get out of bed let alone exercise. hard to make dinner for my family let alone eat healthy clean meals. She asked me all these silly questions- do I like gardening? Do I want a prescription for exercise?  Can I use my baby as a weight to exercise? I was beyond frustrated. I just shut down, tuned out, and cried. I cried and was silent the whole way home… and then I realized something.

I don't have a weight problem.

 I have a depression problem.

Reflecting back on my life it was when became depressed that I gained weight.  When i'd moved out of that depressive episode I had no problem keeping healthy habits. It's when I feel sad I eat unhealthily. My weight is just an outward manifestation of the depression.  It was a humbling and somehow liberating- No,  an EMPOWERING feeling to finally recognize this. I'd had the mental health specialist on base tell me that going through that many depressive episodes wasn't normal…  but it hadn't quite clicked..that I wasn't just "going through a phase" but that i'd been struggling with it for years and that that was OK. That I am still ME. You see, I do have a lot of health problems and have experienced some difficult and stressful situations in my life. I had always rationalized away how I felt because I was going through what I considered an understandably depressing situation!  But that doesn't mean that I shouldn't employ every option in helping myself to cope. I then realized that I could treat this monster that lurks in the loneliness of my apartment and behind chocolate chip cookies.  I don't need to be angry with myself anymore for not being happy when I have so much around me that really does bring me joy.

I decided to try a supplement i'd been on for a short time about 4 months after Rowan was born. I'd been experiencing post partum depression symptoms at that time. But, I was also a single mom of a newborn baby, our first, while my husband was in the middle east. So i'd taken it, Danny came home and life went on. Anyway- I decided to try that supplement again.  It's called EMPowerPlus Q96. Maybe you've heard of it? It was developed by a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints- a Mormon, (my faith) after losing his wife after years of battling mental illness. His children were also experiencing severe mental illness and he stumbled across a man who suggested a certain formula of supplements he'd used to calm livestock. After a few years of experimenting with it this supplement was born. You can find a lot more info about it online. From what I hear its about 50/50 that it works for people. And some have to use it along with other treatments, but for me it was life saving.  I ordered it on Amazon and got it in three days.  It took about 4 days before the fog lifted. I was able to suddenly see behind my "depression goggles." That fog that covered everything and filters the world through a hazy negative tunnel. I no longer had thoughts that I'd rather not live, no longer had to remind myself that my son needed to see me smile. I stopped shutting off and tuning out and I stopped crying myself to sleep every night. The feeling of deep despair and loneliness lifted. And I was more interested in living again. It hasn't been SO HARD to get up and DO things.  To talk to people. To have a conversation. To reach out and serve others. To laugh and play with and enjoy my son.

I still have rough days. Especially at certain times of the month.. but I can recognize them.  If I go off of it or skip doses for a few days I feel the darkness press in around me again.  I start perceiving others intentions as negative again.  You can't choose not to be depressed. Maybe at moments you can choose not to wallow in it and give in to the emptiness… but I am a different person on this supplement. And I can feel it. I still get sad once in a while but it's normal sad. I ordered my second bottle of EmpowerplusQ96 last week. I'm not sure if i'll need it forever but i'm so grateful I tried it. It's about 50$ but isn't my life and the well being of my family worth 50$? Isn't it worth my son seeing his mom smile and be happy to see him? I think so. It's hard to share this about myself but I hope it will give someone hope and maybe the supplement can help them too.  My hope is that now with my depression under control I  can work towards being healthy again. Without getting so upset when the numbers on the scale are not down! I hope that I can move forward and have what it takes to improve myself and to be more positive about my abilities and my future. And to be the best version of myself I can be for ME and for my little family.

Here is a link to more information: http://herbsforanxietyanddepression.com/q96-story/

Monday, July 21, 2014

Starting My Dietbet

I weighed in for my very first ever diet bet last night! I'm doing Win BIG w Heidi & Chris Powell. You put up 30$ and pledge to lose 4% of your bodyweight in 4 weeks.  I'm kind of nervous since i've made my goals to accomplish this bet so public! And i've been so up and down over the last few months! But her we go! I weighed in at night to hopefully give myself a teeny advantage hehe.. because we will be in Idaho for part of it i'm trying to think of some little things to help me out. Planning snacks that are only 100 cal (a little baggie of pre-measured almonds) packing carrot sticks and buying some of my favorite low calorie protein shakes. I find I made most of my bad food choices when I feel like I have "no other options" or basically no easy options. Did I mention Danny is doing it with me? He didn't put up the money like I did but we weighed him in last night along with me and took his photo just like we did mine. He has to lose around 8 and I have to lose 12.  Would you like to see my before picture?

To enter you have to submit a photo of yourself on the scale like this:

Then immediately following you have to take a photo of your toesies on the scale with the word of the day. I didn't have to hold my word for this photo. Don't I look great? I was so mad when I saw it! Thanks for telling me when you're going to take the picture Danny!!! But then i figured eh, as a before picture its probably best I look miserable, lethargic and brainless.  Wish me luck! I am planning on this helping me get past that little up and down 4 lbs over and over rut thing. :)  I weighed this morning and i was down 5 lbs from what I weighed in at last night. This really surprised me. But there have been a few things going on with my body that have caused bloating so maybe this morning i'm just back to normal? I'm not sure but i'm not going to argue! Gives me some hope to accomplish my goal! I DO feel a little annoyed with myself for not weighing in the morning. Because I'm just jipping myself out of losing a few more pounds. But folks weight loss is about 80% mental, 10% food and 10% exercise and this time around I am just shooting for a SUCCESS!!!!!  To get past that failure mentality and keep moving forward. So to moving forward! 
PS Idaho in a WEEK! 

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

What's up?

Hi, It's been a little while. And usually that means i'm slacking off and have gained back those measly 4  pounds again. So what am I going to do about it?

I joined a dietbet! It's hosted by Heidi Powell from Extreme weight loss and the pot is HUGE.  Lose 4% of my starting weight in 4 weeks. How it works is you put in 30$ and then if you lose the 4% you get your money back PLUS get to split the money of those who did not reach their goal. We will be on vacation in Idaho during this time so i'm a little concerned it will be difficult but i'm also glad i'll have something to motivate me to keep my head on strait.  For me that's going to be about 3 lbs a week. Feel free to not do any math. So far I have one friend who is doing it with me! I'm going to try and start out at that point that I keep getting to so that I can move PAST it.

We did find and buy a used jogging stroller. We've only taken it out once because I got so sick  from allergies for the following like 3 days! I had promised myself i'd get out every other day but the allergies are still proving an obstacle. Even if I tell myself that if I want it i'll do it my athsma, itching burning eyes, sinus headaches, nausea and drowsiness say otherwise. Part of letting go of my all or nothing mentality is recognizing what doesn't work for my life at this point and still trying other things. The more I think about it and realize this is going to be a life long JOURNEY towards health the more I am able to make small improvements daily and not have lows.

More on that all or nothing perfection mentality. I was thinking about it while I did the dishes this morning and I came up with an analogy that put it in even better perspective. So my all or nothing mentality goes like this:

 I make cookies for some "event". I eat a couple more than I should. Not enough where eaten at said event. Therefor I must EAT all of the cookies because today is ruined, I have already gone way way over my calorie intake. There's no point it "ruining" tomorrow with cookie temptation! Today was a fail. Do not exercise because- what's the point? Cookies. So you feel terrible for your lack of self control and flood your body with sugar all in the name of perfection tomorrow. You vow not to eat any carbs tomorrow at ALL to make up for it. But, of course you do and the guilt and failure cycle through again.

Obviously this thinking is flawed from every angle and just downright silly. But we do it.

I decided to compare it to spending. We eat every day and even when we think we're not we use money daily- we use electrify, burn gas, use water etc. So if you go to Target and you spend a bit more than you should do you go, AH! I must spend ALL of my money so that tomorrow, when I have to come back to Target I won't mess things up again and can stay within my budget!!! You feel guilty and are full of buyers remorse but vow to not even GO OUT tomorrow or even spend a cent. Of  course you have to because you are out of milk for the baby and buy something else that you really do need but feel guilty all over again because you weren't supposed to spend and now you don't have money for groceries next week.

These thought process just don't make sense. And like our bank account you can't just fix it and start over tomorrow. Although every day is a new day to strive towards being better there are still consequences to spending all of your money or eating all of the cookies. My blood sugar rockets and then crashes and I spend the next two days on a roller coaster trying to get it stable again. My weight goes up, my body becomes one day LESS HEALTHY instead of HEALTHIER. I probably didn't get the nutrients I actually needed that day either.

So there, there is a way to talk myself out of that silly cycle "Am I also going to run out and spend all of our money because my amazon order was more than I anticipated? No. So I won't eat all of x just to be rid of it either."

Wednesday, July 2, 2014


Watching Extreme Weight Loss. I wish I and a Chris Powell in my life to help me break through those physiological barriers that are holding me hostage! Some of the people he works with are truly inspiring.

I've been a great deal of pain lately with IC flare ups. I haven't exercised because of it, it hurts to walk, any jarring or bending motions. UGH! But, I know it will calm down and i'll get going again. I also had a migraine with an aura  knock my freaking socks off today. Haven't had one that bad in a while. They are truly a curse. So is IC. But I digress.

So I entitled this "Secrets" because I have one to share. Once upon a time in college I wrote The Biggest Loser.  But then, when they actually called me back, and KEPT calling I chickened out.  Yeah, that didn't have quite the umph some secrets may, and it's kind of an embarrassing one I guess. Meh. I also went to a pre-school for handicapped children as a model student hahahaha anyway that's what my mom says! :P BUT seriously I was afraid of children with downs syndrome for quite some time because they always ripped my hair out. Hope that made SOMEONE smile. :) 

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Grief Invisible

It's moments like these that make the pain real again instead of a memory.

Some stuff happened, usual stuff for me today. I had a little rant about them and our family frequently visiting the ER over Facebook, and I said "…Between the 4 of us…" I then posted it, and upon re-reading realized that i'd put 4, not three. It took me a second to realize what was wrong with the 4, I had to mentally say and tick off on my fingers, "Megan, Danny, Rowan.. Rowan. Three, that's three." And my heart ached again. That grief invisible to the outside world. Because we are four. It's the little moments that make it all real again. You can put away the thoughts of your lost baby and the life they may have had and the family you would have shared but they are a part of you that changes your heart forever. I still cry when a stranger says her due date is "...end of October beginning of November." I still ache when I see a newborn baby, or a pregnant woman. I still have to leave the room as others share their good news, because it all makes the pain too real again. 

Post Weekend Detox

Does anyone else out there take pics of them in their sunday clothes in the church parking lot? We do haha but bubba's little bow tie was so sweet I just HAD to! We had a rough weekend.  Health wise. Well, and otherwise. We were basically out of groceries, all I had in the fridge were carrots, cucumber, one chicken breast and cheese haha! So I made a creamy chicken noodle soup. I've posted the recipe on the blog before, it's really yummy but felt so rich and fattening after how we have been eating!

 After leaving church a little early and being sad I figured, hey, we haven't had cookies in a LONG time, so we'll be fine to have "treat Sunday".  I enjoy baking and it was fun to have Rowan as my little helper/taste tester.  By the way.. his new thing is shutting doors, and often shutting himself in the room and then getting pretty distraught. LOL right now's banging on his bedroom door… better go help.

Anyway. I made up a menu for the week and grocery list Monday and we went and got Steak and Shake on our way to the grocery store.  AND I FEEL DISGUSTING. And bloated, and in pain. It's funny to me because we haven't gone out to a fast food place for a while, well except Moe's because if I don't eat the chips its pretty healthy. The month we lost the baby we were going there 2/3 times a week. Terrible. I decided today and the next two days i'm going to do a little veggie and fruit detox. I can't do juicing because of how my body reacts to the sugars being dumped into my system, and the lack of fiber doesn't do me much good either. So just fruits and veggies and then nuts and beans for protein (also because of how my body would react to the sugar's without protein.) No meat, no diary, no sugar, no carbs.. and LOTS of water.

So last night we had a beef and broccoli type stir fry over brown rice and today i'm starting my little detox. I had the blueberry avocado spinach smoothie for breakfast. Hopefully with how we have been eating it won't be TOO hard. With how we have been eating PRIOR to our rough weekend I mean. Ugh. The person I was going to go buy the jogging stroller from went out of town! I'm so annoyed. I wish they had told me they were so I would have met with them before they left.

I have been meaning to say for some time that if you're intimidated by nutrition because you don't think you know enough but want to start to eat healthy and just aren't sure where to begin… start with adding fruits and vegetables. As many as you can. Focusing on what you'll add TO your diet instead of what you're going to deprive yourself of or remove from it is a much better way to make positive changes. Focus your meals and cooking around the vegetable and protein. It's a start.

We almost have a little walker on our hands! he's been taking steps here and there on his own but usually goes back to crawling after he loses his balance. Every day he goes a little further! It's a good lesson for me. I may fall but as long as I get back up and go a little bit further, just take a few more steps every day.. i'll be ok.