LaborSo patriotic! Memorial day, soldier comes home to whiteness the birth of his first son. How American are WE haha. It didn't work out, Rowan had his own agenda.
|Sweetie took this photo while we waited for them to break my water|
Epi- FailI'm not sure how long it was before the nurse came in and said we should get my epidural going. I was still breathing through contractions and handling them well but they were intense enough I was ready for it. The doctor had told me before I had to have one to minimize stress on my heart, pain causes stress. The anesthesiologist came in and let me know everything that can go wrong. I said ok and was instructed on how to arch my back. They told me it would be a pinch and burn. I arched my back and leaned over hugging the pillow like they said as the nurse and Danny stood in front of me supporting me. I tried to disappear inside of myself and focus on my breathing as I felt the poke. I'm not kidding you when I say this was possibly the worst pain I have experienced in my life as he dug around in my nerves for a whole THIRTY MINUTES. The whole time I was focusing on my breathing and trying my best to practice what i'd learned in hypno birthing to breath through the pain as he stirred my nerves with the needle. I was wondering if this were normal. I started to shake and turn white and whimper, the nurse kept re assuring me I was doing well. The anesthesiologist was annoyed and told me "Well say something if you're uncomfortable!" I lost it. I had never hurt so bad in my life. I felt like I was going to pass out and started crying and begging him to stop. He kept trying. They kept saying we were "almost there." or "He almost has it." I kept crying and told them I was going to throw up. He finally stopped. After he finished I threw up and lay down sobbing and shaking from the intensity of the pain. The anesthesiologist then said " I don't know else to say this, due to the excess weight around your back you have gained with this pregnancy I can't reach the spot, I mean my needle is only so long." I couldn't believe it. I have seen obese and pregnant... I can feel my own spine if I bend over like that! How dare he say that to me when i'm in such a state! What an idiot, and an excuse for not being able to do his job correctly! He better watch out. If I EVER see him again i'll claw his face off. He kept demanding I tell him if he should try again. I was too traumatized, I decided I'd just do it naturally. Nothing can hurt worse than that! He kept asking me over and over what to do from there and I kept saying I don't know I don't know! while I cried. He gave up and said he'd go talk to the doc. He came back in and informed me that the Doc had said I HAVE to get one, one way or another for my heart and he could try again. I was till too unhinged and sent him away. Was it supposed to feel that way? They had to lower my pitocin so I could calm down. I talked to the nurse who had been very careful with her words. She was obviously angry. After seeing how well I handled contractions and what pain I was in she was irate. She kept her words professional though and kept saying "it must not be his day." Uhhhh... finally I begged her to help me, I told her this is my first time I don't know what to do, I don't know how this is supposed to feel." She suggested a new anesthesiologist. I was so scared. I still didn't want it at all.
Danny was so great, he was angry at the anesthesiologist and did his best to comfort me any way he could. He held me while I cried, held my hand and got me anything I needed. I appreciated him so much, love him dearly and am beyond grateful he was there with me. Danny and I decided to try the new guy and said a prayer about our decision. I felt peace come over me. I was a bit jumpy when the new guy inserted the needle. It was a small pinch, and a burn and it was over. Geeze, that needle must have grown to get through my layers of blubber huh? I guess I wasn't too fat after all. After my legs went numb and the medication started kicking in I said to Danny "That first anesthesiologist better watch out, I'm going to curb stomp him and my legs are numb, I won't feel a thing!"
Can I just say two of the most obnoxious things about this day was 1 being freezing the whole time from IV's and 2 being too tall for the bed. All day of laying in one spot and not being able to move with your feet dangling off can make you basically crazy. Being tired and starving while you really need energy was a pain too.
They had dropped my pit so much after that and had to wait for me to calm down and it really slowed down my labor. To top it off the numbing medication of the epidural made my blood pressure drop and caused nausea. Again. So they had to give me yet another medication for that. The Doc came in at this point and checked me, I don't remember where I was at, maybe a 5-6? He was angry. He said I should have been much further by now. Again the nurse stuck up for me and explained what had happened to set us back. Bless that nurse. After the epidudral kicked in they gave me a catheter. Just as I was afraid of as soon as it was in I had a bladder spasm, and yes I could feel it just fine. The nurse fought to get me the medicine I needed to numb the urinary track. Because it was memorial day offices weren't open and that caused some problems. With pharmacy's and not being able to even reach my cardiologist.
The entire time I was in labor the doctor kept stressing that he wasn't going to let me push too long because of my heart and that if things did take too long we would go to c-section. I had had a beautiful blessing from my bishop a few weeks before. He blessed me that everything would go smoothly and I would have a "normal delivery." I held on to those words. I tried so hard to put my trust in Heavenly Father and that priesthood blessing and believe that it would be ok.
|Poor sweetie, sitting at my side for so many hours!|
Best hubby ever <3
My family had done well at letting us have our little family time and waited anxiously for updates without intruding. I kept progressing slowly, but Rowan wasn't moving down. My contractions started decreasing in intensity (this often happens after an epidural) if they upped the pit though they were too close together and that's dangerous for baby and mom. So they let things creep along. Eventually I made it to being fully effaced but still only like an 8 and the contractions were weak and he was still sitting too high. The doc came in and told me that things were "Basically falling apart." He said that with it being my first baby and starting me early with my baby being high he'd guessed i'd be a 50/50 chance for a c-section. I wanted to scream "WELL THEN WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING HERE?!" I was so frustrated. I called my family and my Dad came and helped Danny give us another blessing. Mom, Marissa, and Kenyon came too, I was embarrassed to have my siblings see me like that. Pretty sure I said "Geeze, brought the whole family... thaaanks."
After the blessing my family went out to the waiting room and Danny and I waited some more. The doc came and checked me again, I was fully dilated but Rowan still wouldn't come down. He decided to give me more time. I told Heavenly Father that if Rowan needed a c-section or I did for safety then we would get it. I was trying so hard to trust Him. I knew that even though I was frustrated with the doc that I was sent to him for a reason. I wanted so badly to move around and wiggle my hips to get Rowan down. I turned on my side (with help) and just shook. When the doc checked again Rowan had moved! He wasn't sitting up in my ribs anymore. They said they
would give us a little longer.
|The Warm Bed for Rowan|
Rowan Daniel Tracy
|Rowan's First Photo|
After Rowan was somewhat cleaned up they put him on my chest to try and breast feed. It's not that easy to do when you are so worn out. We worked at it for a while. Mostly he was crying to hard to even latch. Eventually he did eat. Not for long enough though, we had to try again because his blood sugar was too low. The nurses kept trying to get me to eat and kept asking if I were ready to go to our room. I wasn't interested in either for some time. When I finally decided to go to our room I almost passed out. We got to our room at around 3 am. I was so ready to sleep. They had a little bed in there for Danny too. I tried so hard to sleep. Yeah.. that didn't happen. I was too still in shock and the nurses are coming in and out all night, changing your pads, giving you medication, checking the position of your uterus, bringing Rowan in to eat... I just couldn't rest. They always left the door open too. The next day we had visitors non-stop. I started feeling weird... not how I expected to towards my sweet new baby. I knew I was probably just exhausted and hormonal though so I brushed it off. Luckily the next night, or maybe the next? I did rest some and felt WAY better emotionally.
|March 28th (The next morning)|
Breast feeding wasn't going so well. I was so tired the lactation consultant basically took my breast and did it for me. She gave Danny a "job" to do during and it was just too many hands. The one night things actually worked was when I tried all by myself. Poor Danny, who woke up for every feeding, every tummy check and trip to the bathroom he'd sit up in bed to cheer me on and I just told him to go back to sleep haha. More breastfeeding issues later...
Our nurse sucked. She rarely said anything when she came in, just initialed the board. I had to ask for my meds every time and she as VERY aggressive when it came to checking my abdomen or wounds or dressings for bleeding. If it weren't for her we may have stayed one more night. (This isn't hear name on the board btw). The night nurses were great it was the daytime nurse we didn't appreciate. I didn't even let her check me before I checked out.
The New Daddy
Feeling so blah emotionally and physically made it easier than I thought it would be to let Danny take the reigns on becoming Dad. I can't tell you just how impressed I was with how naturally and easily he filled those shoes. He did everything he could to help little Rowan adjust comfortably to the world while taking care of me as well. I really couldn't have picked a better man to be father to my children. For the first few days it was only Danny that could get Rowan to stop crying. Only his Daddy could comfort him. I took this picture the morning after the delivery, one of the very first times he looks at his little son. I love this photo so much. I had often wondered how much having a child would change how I felt about him, how our relationship would change for the better. I was surprised that it didn't change much! One more stitch in our already bound hearts. A lot of the time Danny slept with me in my hospital bed, I bet the nurses thought we were crazy. :)