Monday, October 28, 2013

Counting Days

Oh my heck these last weeks of the deployment have been torture! I think part of is that I  can finally let my guard down and open my heart again.  I don't have to protect it so that it doesn't ache so much that he's gone or leaving again. I find myself switching back and forth between excitement that we are almost done to overwhelming sadness that I don't have him with me in that moment. We have been together for 9 months and apart for 9 months. This deployment has been looming and hovering over or marriage for too long in its short life.  I can't wait to hold him and just know its over. Part of the problem too is that i'm so bored here. I just am marking off days on the calendar! Its been easy too to finally admit to myself that i'm tired of this because it's almost over. That I can't do it alone anymore because I don't have to!  And I want SO badly to share our precious son with him! It kills me when I experience those sweet moments with our little baby and think of Danny missing it! Soon soon soon almost!  I feel like a crazy person.... ;P

From Flab to Fab - The Plan

I have been thinking so much lately about how I want to approach losing weight and getting healthy, It's a topic of conversation for Danny and I almost daily.  I'm starting to finally feel committed and motivated as we get pumped to start this journey together.  As a way to be accountable to myself and all of you i've made the decision to blog my experience! Lucky you readers lol! I plan on making entries weekly entitled from Flab to Fab Week 1,2,3 and so on, and maybe extra ones here and there if i'm feeling extra motivated/frustrated/thoughtful/whatever.  I'm going to start hashing out our "plan" in this blog post, subject to change!

After doing a little BMI to body type research I concluded that i'm about 100 lbs overweight. (Shocker. Not.) Can I just say how devastating and overwhelming that reality is!? I am overwhelmed and daunted by the task of losing 100 lbs so I think I will do it in phases. I think this is a good idea because the closer you get to your goal the harder it is to lose, so I think setting do-able goals in shorter phases and then making new goals later based on where i'm at is a good plan.

Phase one Goal: Lose 50 lbs (over 6 months) 

        Monthly Goal: Lose 10 lbs a month

                     Weekly Goal: Lose 2.5 lbs a week
                       (yes I know how to do math... sometimes, I'm just giving myself a  little leeway) 

We are not planning on counting calories.  We ARE going to be eating proper portions, 3 meals a day, two snacks. We plan on including nutrient rich, clean foods to our diet. Low carb, and NO sugar for a while. I'm a sugar addict. This is going to be the hardest part! I plan on learning how to cook differently with nutrient rich, protein packed, whole grain foods. It's important to me that we pay attention to actual hunger cues and stop when we are full.   I have been pinning like crazy healthy recipes that look... but i'm really out of my comfort zone and Danny and I are both very picky about veggies! So, if you have healthy recipes you can send my way feel free! I want to learn how to do this for life and part of making it work is having options and not getting board with what we are eating.  We plan on doing some kind of detox to start out and supplementing with some natural herbal antioxidant .. stuff. :) 

 I think we will be weighting weekly and measuring monthly. It's important for me to not be weighing daily, I get too crazy. 

Exercise. AHHHH!!!! o.O   I'm so out of shape this literally scares me. And i'm embarrassed of gyms to the point of anxiety.... BUT I am going to exercise. I want to do cardio and tone. I want to see a personal trainer an couple of times a week and Danny is going to help me too. Maybe bikes, we are working on what exactly we will do still. 


Tuesday, October 8, 2013

I can dream can't I?

For a while Danny and I were looking into buying a home in Augusta. We figured it would be better to pay a mortgage on a home instead of continuing to throw money away on rent. Because of my pet allergies its really hard to find places to rent that either have all new carpet or hard wood flooring.  We got approved and started looking.. even though we had lots of good reasons though for doing it we started feeling like maybe the timing just wasn't right. I'm terrified of getting stuck in GA, we were going to rent out our home for twice the mortgage, but at this point we are thinking the timing just isn't right. Danny only has about 15 months left in the army and after that who knows where we will go. Even if he's offered his first contracting job in GA after he gets out we hope he'll get another somewhere else soon after. So sad day, no home ownership for a bit, but, I did come up with some ideas for decorating! I wanted to compile them somewhere.... so here are my dream room design ideas thus far- VERY subject to change :) note- some of these are just ideas from others pins...sorrrryyy

Rowan's Room



Aqua blue
Sage Green

Mom's quilt



Room's that Inspire:

I want to do chevron on one wall...
Or big stripes. Depends on when we get around to it and whats still in style.

This one is my fav <3

Chevron Rug


I love the idea of a solid world map, I also like the clean outline of animals on one of the room examples... and whatever else I can find! 



Hmm... I'm having trouble matching the colors to swatches to show you!!! Arrrg.


Olive Green

Shades of dusty teal

 I am also including light blue but... for some reason every swatch I found was a different color when I went to posting it :-/


Danny and I purchases a really nice expensive bed-set when we first got married.. and it has hardly been used because its TOO HOT!  My mom got me this cute coverlet for my birthday this year. I'm excited to do a room around it. 

Here is a closeup of the pattern and my gold pillow cases... the colors in this pic aren't true because I messed with in in Instagram.  The next photo, although ugly becaue it's in the plastic shows a teeny bit better what the true colors are.. eh, neither of them look too close still though.

Rooms that Inspire: 

I want this ivory ruffled onbre bed skirt :) 

We have gold lamp shades and dark brown furniture already

I want light dusty blue walls, maybe one a deeper dusty teal, or we could do just one wall colored in the green..:

And my fav rug!

I also think a cool snow white type gold mirror would be fun

Monday, October 7, 2013

The Final Stretch

The deployment is ALMOST over.  Yes Danny, now is when the word almost is appropriate :) haha I was getting annoyed that he kept saying we were almost done when we were about 2/3 of the way and had about 3 months left. My deployment chain had links with each month written on them and i'm pleased to report that it is no longer even a chain! Just one lonely link that says October.  I hope Danny doesn't mind I admit on here that these 9 months apart (and will be 10 when he gets here to take us back) have taken their toll on us!  Man! We can both see how relationship sometimes crumble under the pressure of deployment. And we've been spoiled with pretty easy communication and two visits.  I think one of the biggest things that's challenged us as a couple aside from being separated was having a baby in the middle of it.  We haven't been able to re-establish ourselves as a couple yet in parenthood. Danny has been so good at always making the effort to communicate with me from where he is... even when I haven't been so good at it. :( Sometimes it's just easier to put the other person and the back burner and live your life instead of being sad all the time that they're gone. For me here I've just had to live my life and move full speed ahead into mommy roll and parent x2.  I'm surrounded by friends and family and have Rowan and i've learned how to live without my sweetheart.  I do what I want when and how I want to. Danny and I had a good conversation about this a few days ago.  It was kind of scary to admit we had grown a little bit apart but it was also good for us to admit that things had changed and to commit to working towards becoming "us" and "we" again when he gets back. I'm so blessed to have such a good husband. I've given him too much crapp and too many times that he could have just said "Seriously? You are ridiculous forget it."  I haven't supported him as well as I should have during this final stretch.  I also think that I have had some minor post-partum  catch up to me lately.  Just my overall feelings towards him were a big sign of that... when I finally looked up the symptoms I realized I had all of them.  Just knowing that helped a lot though. Knowing that things were hard because something was actually off.  I hope you can all appreciate my honesty and not judge us... experiencing deployment and having a baby apart are both unusual strains on a relationship- and even if you have gone through one or both of these things at the same time as we have, we are our own people and cope with things in our own way. Another thing is that when he left we were still in the newlywed phase. Things evolve and change, we just have to make sure it's in a positive way.  I was dreading moving back to GA and being separated from my support system here and Idaho mountains, but I think we are both so ready to find out what it's like to be a family again, to start fresh and live our lives with a lot less drama for a while! Geeze! lol  It seems so bizarre that you can be so in love and then struggle so much. I love my hunny, he's a wonderful husband and amazing father and I can't wait to start family life together. :) 

4 Month Shots & Checkup

Today Rowan is 4 months and two weeks old.  I took him to Idaho Falls Pediatrics today for his 4 month vaccines and checkup! Awwww poor little bubba. Last time he had shots one of the syringes broke off of the needle while the nurse was injecting it :(.  Kind of upsetting.  She wasn't even sure how much he actually got. I checked with a few doctors though and I guess its ok to re-vaccinate.  So because they get that one at 3 and 4 months anyway he will also get it again at 6 months.

So as you can see by his little sticker he was weighed and measured... he grew 2.5 inches and gained almost 3 lbs. He's only in the 30th percentile for his head measurement and weight (hard to believe with how chubby he is!) and he's in the 55th for height! I always assume he's going to be bigger... but no :)  The doc said his growth had kinda slowed some. But that he's still looking good and healthy and in the normal ranges. I always thought i'd have big babies haha, but Danny's exactly the average height for males so maybe he's following more after his Daddy's side of the family. 

It's so fun to see what the pediatricians say about your kids. Because you know they see so many all day when they say "You are about as happy as a baby could be!" or "Wow, what a personality he's so vocal, he looks great." or "He's so strong!" and "You are probably the cutest baby i've seen today!" and  the other day at the community care I think the doctor got a little baby hungry when he saw Rowan :) He said he made him want to have another! haha  So that's always fun, you feel like you get a mommy award :) After the doc checked him out the nurse came in and gave Row Row his shots :.( so sad. He cried his silent ouch cry then his loud crocodile tears ouch cry. Sweet baby.  Haha note to self though.... those stickers STICk! Super hard to get off of his tender skin! 

 So look what I bought today.....

Yup! 50$ worth of BABY food!!! Little Rowan LOVES food... he's so funny. If you saw my post of him throwing a fit at dinner because everyone else was eating and how I gave in.. i've totally rolled with it and he is loving it. I can't believe how much he eats! He never was a big eater on the bottle but wow, he loves food! Anyway :) It's been so fun! He's really going to chunk up :) 

Weight a min, lets get real.

So my blog is super boring. And i'm going to get real. Like really real with you people... with alllll you people.  (If anyone is wondering if i'm drunk the answer is no, I don't drink but I sometimes wonder what kind of drunk I would be- cryer? angry? whatotherkindsofdrunkarethere? I dunno.)  ANYWAY. So lately my confidence is totally down the crapper.

For the following reasons.  

1. My hair is falling out.
2. I got a weird jelly like thingy on my eyeball and I have to wear glasses most of the time now.
3. I have gained like... oh 40 LBS!!!!

So... I took this medication to treat my IC. There aren't many options and basically no cures that they know of for this horribly painful condition that made my pregnancy hell and also makes general life difficult... uhhh so yeah, thought i'd try this medicine prescribed by my urologist. It's terrible medicine. But it's like the only treatment that's not totally invasive and painful that supposedly has some good results. Only known...... side effect- hair loss. Of only 4% of people according to my doc. Eh, lie. And you can't even tell if this medcrap works until you have been on it for three months. And it makes you feel like vomiting most of the time.  So, I took it for a month. Constantly felt sick and bonus! It made me gain 20 lbs.  In one month.  TWENTY! in ONE MONNNTTTH!!!!  So I cried and cried and cried and cried and dyed my pillow cases black with mascara and then decided to go off of it. A week later this happened. 

One shower = one handful of hair. I have thin hair anyway.  It's been going on for about 4 weeks now and shows no sign of stopping.  I guess the medication has a very long half life and my pharmacist said it should stop after a month.  Today is the 5th and the 7th is the month mark. We'll see. Luckily as soon as I stopped taking the medication the weight gain stopped... i'm just still 20 lbs heavier and weight as much as I did when I delivered my son. Sigh.  

There are three things about my physical appearance that seem to make or break my self confidence. My hair, my eyes, and my weight. If my eye makeup is awesome and lashes are long and pretty and my hair looks good I can kind of cope with the third not being how I want most of the time.  So, I have to wear glasses- I got new more stylish ones to make up for that one.  Pretty geek chic tortoise glasses? Check. YES. LOVE.  
Next- hair. Fix what's easy first right? I wanted a brown to red hombre.  It's still pretty dark but I have only washed it once and really love it. Thank you Lacey.   So my two quick fixes helped my current confidence slump... a little. The biggest thing bothering me right now (haha biggest) is my own skin.

My weight has always been a struggle.  I have plenty of excuses, family lifestyle, health issues... allergies making outside working out terrible, high arches, heart ache, bladder pain from jarring too much... thyroid problems and insulin resistance (diagnosed in eight grade) that both contribute to wait gain.. I know I have more I just can't think of them right now. But mostly i'm just lazy and eat too much.  Lazy and eat too much of the wrong things that I know my body doesn't process normally.   I started gaining weight in fourth grade. The summer before my sophomore year of high school my parents were kind enough to sign me up for a weight loss program called LA Weight loss. I followed every rule EXACTLY. And I had great results! The program teaches you how to eat healthy and you meet with a consultant twice a week, show them your food journal and weigh. I was active and looking and feeling better. I felt like a fog had been lifted off of my brain. My grades improved.  But I started not following the diet. I was sick of salad every day and wanted to lose weight faster.  So I stopped eating as much... I lost about 70 lbs. And I looked good. I set outrageous goals for myself, I figured if I didn't reach my impossible goal at least I lost more, lots more.  My consultants noticed I stopped tracking my food in my log but didn't raise an eyebrow because I was still losing.  This went on for a couple of years I think... or maybe a year? I dreamed of wearing a pair of Silver Jeans. They were what "hott" girls wore.  My best friend got me some for my birthday, and the day I could wear them I cried with joy! 

After i'd lost 70 lbs in high school
 Then one day I woke up and realized I was still me. I was still a loner. I was still in the "overweight" BMI category. I didn't have the guy, hadn't been asked on a single date or to any dances... I was still just loner shy Megan.  My head hadn't AT ALL caught up with how much progress i'd made. I had done it for all the wrong reasons (mind you I was about 15 when I started) and I just gave up one day. No one said anything. No one asked why.  I totally shut down, stopped talking to even my best friend or trying at anything.... I wish I could go back and slap my 16 year old self.  So that happened.  Lots of years of anger at myself followed, and I gained more weight.  I gained about 50 of what i'd lost back. 

In college I tried to eat right, following the guidelines i'd learned as a teenager. I tried to exercise. My roommates watched me snarf salads and count triscuits  while they lived off of cheesy noodles and  mint ice cream ( you know who you are lol) I met a few guys. I got burned a few times. And I gained more weight.  I always attributed the rejection to my size, became depressed and what happened? More weight gain! It's a vicious cycle. My junior year of college I started HCG drops and the 500 Cal diet.  I did this off and on for a few years actually.  Sure, I lost some weight but I also had zero energy because of lack of food and started blacking out.  I never actually finished a full cycle or whatever of the drops because I was blacking out or something. So i'd try getting them from someone more trusted or supplementing vitamins... funny thing is if you are only eating 500 calories you're still starving. I have read the book and I think how they say they work is a complete crock. My personal opinion.   I had ended college about 30 lbs heavier than when I'd started and got that weight off about a year out of college through more calorie cutting, low cal EAS protein shakes, and an attempt to be active.   

It was that summer that I met Danny.  I looked better than I had for a few years... was still pretty overweight though.  I didn't HAVE to shop in plus size stores and sections and could often find things in the biggest sized of normal department stores. At this point i'd come to recognize my extremely unhealthy relationship with food. After one night (following a break up) of binging,  and i'm ashamed to admit purging as well (this only happened twice, EVER) I vowed to never be so extreme in my dieting again.  To focus on health and do my best to mend the disconnect between my body and mind and severe my dependance on food for comfort. I tried the churches addiction recovery groups for food addicts.  It helped me a lot. I met a great supportive kind guy and we go married. 

We had been married 5 months and i'd put on 30 lbs. For a few reasons- diagnosed with a painful bladder condition, boredom, and loneliness in my new home in GA. The bladder condition did and does make working out very painful. And I was sick a lot. :( Like a lot a lot. Kidney infections... bladder spasms... sigh And even just going for a walk in GA made my allergies so bad my skin crawled and i'd be sick for days!  I was focusing so much on not obsession about food that I wasn't trying hard enough and struggling with that line, thus gaining more weight. If i'm not obsessing about following my "diet" I wasn't sure what TO do. 

Then we got pregnant. I actually cannot blame one pound on my sweet baby. After I had him I was back down to my pre-pregnancy weight within a month and a half. I had been so sick and in so much pain that I didn't really eat that much. I had to force myself to eat most days. And when  I did I let myself have whatever actually sounded good that I could keep down.  

After I had Rowan I started walking and was excited to not be in so much pain and to get moving again.  But it didn't last long.  Being alone here, having Danny gone, plus exhaustion, I just have not been at ALL motivated to work on myself.  It's hard when I realize that because I chose to work out during Rowan's long-ish nap of the day I wasn't able to do the dishes, fold the laundry or even shower and get ready for the day! That's how it is to parent alone I guess.  I started that medication, gained 20 lbs and now weight more than I have ever in my entire life. I'm a good... 40 ish lbs heavier than when we were engaged.  I'm embarrassed of myself.  I'm embarrassed for Danny. And so full of anger. The spiral has continued as I struggle to not eat my loneliness and boredom here.  I'm embarrassed to go work out because of how out of shape I am. It's mortifying and something about facing how far i've actually fallen and acknowledging that scares the crap out of me.  Danny has wanted to "help" me and work on fitness and healthy eating together for a while. But I have always dug my heals in and basically told him to leave me alone about it because I don't want to be on a "diet",  I get too caught up in it and  I don't want him bugging me about it and making me feel bad. But things have gotten pretty bad and I told him the other day that I was ready to accept his help.  I want to humble myself enough to let him help me. We hope to start fresh in GA.  I'm terrified. I don't feel fully committed. I don't know what it will take for me to make a REAL change in my life. I've struggled for so many years i'm just so sick of it, I want to just roll over, play dead and say "Well dear i'll be perfect in the next life." And in the very next thought i'm like hey, i'm only 25! I have SO much light and life to offer this world and I really want more than anything to finally feel good in my own skin, to share something i'm proud of with my husband, to give my husband and children as many yeas as I can and to ENJOY life! 
I'm not looking for your pity, or for you to tell me i'm super awesome or something, nor am I looking for you to tell me to stop complaining and DO something.  I'm just finally being open and real about this. Lots of women struggle. And I hope.... that if I start being more open instead of running from my weakness- which is totally ironic because obesity/food issues are one of the weaknesses you literally WEAR. Everyone can see it! I just hope that when we do go back to GA, and come up with some sort of plan to get fit and healthy, that if I blog it i'll be more accountable to myself. That's my hope. And yes, i'm waiting until then. I need my husband, I need a fresh start and I need the help and support. Not just in this but in life right now.  Soooo think what you will. It's MY blog, these are my thoughts. Yes I am aware I have major food issues :), I just wrote them.  I haven't decided how we are going to approach this in a healthier way this time except two things - actually learning to cook healthy and eat nutrition foods, adding nutrition instead of cutting so much out and learning to exercise regularly. Danny and I will decide together the best approach. 

Thursday, October 3, 2013

Row Row's First Halloween Costume

Rowan has a brown and blue owl hat and owl leggies.  After looking at how expensive costumes were onine and knowing I'd never put him in the owl leggies for everyday clothes.. too girly, and he gets mistaken for a girl every time he wears leggies no matter how boyish what he's wearing.  So I decided to make him an owl costume he could wear his leggies and hat with. :) I did a little bit of research online and got some ideas....

Here is my feather pattern.  I just made sure to fold my piece of paper in half so that it would be symmetrical before cutting it out, easy peasy. It's only about 2 inches across and maybe 3.5 inches high. Don't quote me on that.

I wanted a plain brown onesie to build his costume on.  This is what I found... yaaaaay Grandma lol His leggies have orange on them anyway so I figured it would have to do! 

I cut out stacks of felt "feathers" with my little pattern.  Then I ran them all through the sewing machine in brown, right down the middle to give them that vein feather look. Next I laid them all out on my onsie how I wanted them. The dumb thing I didn't do was to PIN them where I wanted them.  So when I went to sew them on I got my rows and positioning all dorked up.. now there are browns and blues right below one another and the feathers are a liiiittle off to the side. Oops :)  This is also the result of me doing it too late at night after i'm too tired to be particular but still determined to finish! Because I was at my mom's house. Annnyway.....

After I got his feathers on the body (just stitching them right on with the machine across the top so they will flap still) I then cut out a wing shape.  I used my pattern to shape the tip, then each feather down along the wing edge, just tracing it and moving it around then up and rounded the top. If that makes any sense. Basically I just used it to draw my wing so it would be more uniform with the rest. Then I sewed feathers onto the wing piece and hot glued them to the sleeves.  Then I took neon green feathers and stuck them throughout the costume.  

Add his little hat and owl leggies... 


I couldn't get him to hold still to get one non blurry picture for anything haha