So my blog is super boring. And i'm going to get real. Like really real with you people... with alllll you people. (If anyone is wondering if i'm drunk the answer is no, I don't drink but I sometimes wonder what kind of drunk I would be- cryer? angry? whatotherkindsofdrunkarethere? I dunno.) ANYWAY. So lately my confidence is totally down the crapper.
For the following reasons.
1. My hair is falling out.
2. I got a weird jelly like thingy on my eyeball and I have to wear glasses most of the time now.
3. I have gained like... oh 40 LBS!!!!
So... I took this medication to treat my IC. There aren't many options and basically no cures that they know of for this horribly painful condition that made my pregnancy hell and also makes general life difficult... uhhh so yeah, thought i'd try this medicine prescribed by my urologist. It's terrible medicine. But it's like the only treatment that's not totally invasive and painful that supposedly has some good results. Only known...... side effect- hair loss. Of only 4% of people according to my doc. Eh, lie. And you can't even tell if this medcrap works until you have been on it for three months. And it makes you feel like vomiting most of the time. So, I took it for a month. Constantly felt sick and bonus! It made me gain 20 lbs. In one month. TWENTY! in ONE MONNNTTTH!!!! So I cried and cried and cried and cried and dyed my pillow cases black with mascara and then decided to go off of it. A week later this happened.
One shower = one handful of hair. I have thin hair anyway. It's been going on for about 4 weeks now and shows no sign of stopping. I guess the medication has a very long half life and my pharmacist said it should stop after a month. Today is the 5th and the 7th is the month mark. We'll see. Luckily as soon as I stopped taking the medication the weight gain stopped... i'm just still 20 lbs heavier and weight as much as I did when I delivered my son. Sigh.
There are three things about my physical appearance that seem to make or break my self confidence. My hair, my eyes, and my weight. If my eye makeup is awesome and lashes are long and pretty and my hair looks good I can kind of cope with the third not being how I want most of the time. So, I have to wear glasses- I got new more stylish ones to make up for that one. Pretty geek chic tortoise glasses? Check. YES. LOVE.
Next- hair. Fix what's easy first right? I wanted a brown to red hombre. It's still pretty dark but I have only washed it once and really love it. Thank you Lacey. So my two quick fixes helped my current confidence slump... a little. The biggest thing bothering me right now (haha biggest) is my own skin.
My weight has always been a struggle. I have plenty of excuses, family lifestyle, health issues... allergies making outside working out terrible, high arches, heart ache, bladder pain from jarring too much... thyroid problems and insulin resistance (diagnosed in eight grade) that both contribute to wait gain.. I know I have more I just can't think of them right now. But mostly i'm just lazy and eat too much. Lazy and eat too much of the wrong things that I know my body doesn't process normally. I started gaining weight in fourth grade. The summer before my sophomore year of high school my parents were kind enough to sign me up for a weight loss program called LA Weight loss. I followed every rule EXACTLY. And I had great results! The program teaches you how to eat healthy and you meet with a consultant twice a week, show them your food journal and weigh. I was active and looking and feeling better. I felt like a fog had been lifted off of my brain. My grades improved. But I started not following the diet. I was sick of salad every day and wanted to lose weight faster. So I stopped eating as much... I lost about 70 lbs. And I looked good. I set outrageous goals for myself, I figured if I didn't reach my impossible goal at least I lost more, lots more. My consultants noticed I stopped tracking my food in my log but didn't raise an eyebrow because I was still losing. This went on for a couple of years I think... or maybe a year? I dreamed of wearing a pair of Silver Jeans. They were what "hott" girls wore. My best friend got me some for my birthday, and the day I could wear them I cried with joy!
|After i'd lost 70 lbs in high school|
Then one day I woke up and realized I was still me. I was still a loner. I was still in the "overweight" BMI category. I didn't have the guy, hadn't been asked on a single date or to any dances... I was still just loner shy Megan. My head hadn't AT ALL caught up with how much progress i'd made. I had done it for all the wrong reasons (mind you I was about 15 when I started) and I just gave up one day. No one said anything. No one asked why. I totally shut down, stopped talking to even my best friend or trying at anything.... I wish I could go back and slap my 16 year old self. So that happened. Lots of years of anger at myself followed, and I gained more weight. I gained about 50 of what i'd lost back.
In college I tried to eat right, following the guidelines i'd learned as a teenager. I tried to exercise. My roommates watched me snarf salads and count triscuits while they lived off of cheesy noodles and mint ice cream ( you know who you are lol) I met a few guys. I got burned a few times. And I gained more weight. I always attributed the rejection to my size, became depressed and what happened? More weight gain! It's a vicious cycle. My junior year of college I started HCG drops and the 500 Cal diet. I did this off and on for a few years actually. Sure, I lost some weight but I also had zero energy because of lack of food and started blacking out. I never actually finished a full cycle or whatever of the drops because I was blacking out or something. So i'd try getting them from someone more trusted or supplementing vitamins... funny thing is if you are only eating 500 calories you're still starving. I have read the book and I think how they say they work is a complete crock. My personal opinion. I had ended college about 30 lbs heavier than when I'd started and got that weight off about a year out of college through more calorie cutting, low cal EAS protein shakes, and an attempt to be active.
It was that summer that I met Danny. I looked better than I had for a few years... was still pretty overweight though. I didn't HAVE to shop in plus size stores and sections and could often find things in the biggest sized of normal department stores. At this point i'd come to recognize my extremely unhealthy relationship with food. After one night (following a break up) of binging, and i'm ashamed to admit purging as well (this only happened twice, EVER) I vowed to never be so extreme in my dieting again. To focus on health and do my best to mend the disconnect between my body and mind and severe my dependance on food for comfort. I tried the churches addiction recovery groups for food addicts. It helped me a lot. I met a great supportive kind guy and we go married.
We had been married 5 months and i'd put on 30 lbs. For a few reasons- diagnosed with a painful bladder condition, boredom, and loneliness in my new home in GA. The bladder condition did and does make working out very painful. And I was sick a lot. :( Like a lot a lot. Kidney infections... bladder spasms... sigh And even just going for a walk in GA made my allergies so bad my skin crawled and i'd be sick for days! I was focusing so much on not obsession about food that I wasn't trying hard enough and struggling with that line, thus gaining more weight. If i'm not obsessing about following my "diet" I wasn't sure what TO do.
Then we got pregnant. I actually cannot blame one pound on my sweet baby. After I had him I was back down to my pre-pregnancy weight within a month and a half. I had been so sick and in so much pain that I didn't really eat that much. I had to force myself to eat most days. And when I did I let myself have whatever actually sounded good that I could keep down.
After I had Rowan I started walking and was excited to not be in so much pain and to get moving again. But it didn't last long. Being alone here, having Danny gone, plus exhaustion, I just have not been at ALL motivated to work on myself. It's hard when I realize that because I chose to work out during Rowan's long-ish nap of the day I wasn't able to do the dishes, fold the laundry or even shower and get ready for the day! That's how it is to parent alone I guess. I started that medication, gained 20 lbs and now weight more than I have ever in my entire life. I'm a good... 40 ish lbs heavier than when we were engaged. I'm embarrassed of myself. I'm embarrassed for Danny. And so full of anger. The spiral has continued as I struggle to not eat my loneliness and boredom here. I'm embarrassed to go work out because of how out of shape I am. It's mortifying and something about facing how far i've actually fallen and acknowledging that scares the crap out of me. Danny has wanted to "help" me and work on fitness and healthy eating together for a while. But I have always dug my heals in and basically told him to leave me alone about it because I don't want to be on a "diet", I get too caught up in it and I don't want him bugging me about it and making me feel bad. But things have gotten pretty bad and I told him the other day that I was ready to accept his help. I want to humble myself enough to let him help me. We hope to start fresh in GA. I'm terrified. I don't feel fully committed. I don't know what it will take for me to make a REAL change in my life. I've struggled for so many years i'm just so sick of it, I want to just roll over, play dead and say "Well dear i'll be perfect in the next life." And in the very next thought i'm like hey, i'm only 25! I have SO much light and life to offer this world and I really want more than anything to finally feel good in my own skin, to share something i'm proud of with my husband, to give my husband and children as many yeas as I can and to ENJOY life!
I'm not looking for your pity, or for you to tell me i'm super awesome or something, nor am I looking for you to tell me to stop complaining and DO something. I'm just finally being open and real about this. Lots of women struggle. And I hope.... that if I start being more open instead of running from my weakness- which is totally ironic because obesity/food issues are one of the weaknesses you literally WEAR. Everyone can see it! I just hope that when we do go back to GA, and come up with some sort of plan to get fit and healthy, that if I blog it i'll be more accountable to myself. That's my hope. And yes, i'm waiting until then. I need my husband, I need a fresh start and I need the help and support. Not just in this but in life right now. Soooo think what you will. It's MY blog, these are my thoughts. Yes I am aware I have major food issues :), I just wrote them. I haven't decided how we are going to approach this in a healthier way this time except two things - actually learning to cook healthy and eat nutrition foods, adding nutrition instead of cutting so much out and learning to exercise regularly. Danny and I will decide together the best approach.