FIRST DATE: WHAT NOT TO DO

So I have to share one of the most traumatic experiences in my dating life with you, here, on my blog. Probably because, more than anything it's much needed therapy!!! What? What horrible dating situation did I go through that would cause me to need blogging therapy? Yup, you guessed it, a first date.

Before I went out with this "person", as the date plans were being made it was suggested that I drive to meet him in Rexburg..... errrrrr, well, ok, but just because I was going to go see my good friend Traci in Rexburg that day anyway. Other than the drive date he planned sounded pretty fun and even romantic! I was soooo excited! Feeding ducks and having a pick-nick? ok! :)

About 30 min before meeting up he texts me about how he had a nap and had a crazy dream.... "Oh yeah?" So, this "person" tells me how he dreamed that we were out on our date and I was ALL OVER HIM. How I wanted to make out and kept putting his arm around me..... haha ha. Ha. No.

So he came to pick me up and we went to our little duck bread throwing location. On the way to the nature park he told me how he's been in school for years and changed his major five times and still has three more semesters. When we got out of the car i saw we had no pick-nick, just bread and some drinks. He asked me which drink I would like, I asked if he already had any preference, when he said "Oh no." I picked the Orange Cream Sobe. He whined and complained that he wanted that one! I offered to trade but he wouldn't take it back.

The ducks had flown south for the summer. (According to the "person" who took me to feed them.) The few ducks we did see were uninterested in the food. After a couple throws I just held my bread in my hand.... I didn't want to waste it. My date continued to chuck bits of bread at their heads. Commenting on geese mating rituals etc. Then he turned to talking about marriage... how he WANTS to get married SO bad! How he is terrified of marriage! How all of his siblings have rough marriages..... etc... etc... errrrrrrrrrrrr...... oh and how he is SO sick of dating (why did you ask me on a date then?) how he is so sick of immature judgmental girls! (More on this later when we get into that good ol' can o' warms called... exes.) He told me how all of his friends are either married or engaged and he just cannot figure out why all of his friend's wives hate him.........................

Eventually we got bored with the non-bread interested feathered friends (and marriage talk) and he suggested we sit down on a bench and talk for a while. He told me how he didn't even do one of his assignments for a writing class that's not for his major, how he has considered plagiarizing the final paper. I didn't even know what to say! He saw my face and said "Oh i'm just kidding, I wouldn't but I want to. Now you're judging me!" Ok.... then he went off on this big thing about how his mom caused him to have ADD by sitting him with a gaming station as a kid. (I guess that's what his paper was about.) A little later he started in on the honor code... how his roommate who is engaged is so dumb because he insists on opening the blinds while they're alone in the apartment together. He informed me that the honor code is about keeping the spirit of the law instead of the letter. Because "after all the only reason we have the honor code is to keep us from fornicating." Now, i'm not sure the word fornication should ever be used in conversation. And it's definitely not a topic worthy of addressing on a first date. Of this, I am fairly positive. Either way, it's not the spirit of the law, it's a flippin' contract signed by you!

I don't remember what sparked talking about exes. I think it was something about how lame Rexburg is and how you run into them on campus... and he said he wanted to punch his ex in the face. I was pretty shocked, he again told me not to judge him and said that if I knew what she put him through I would push her in the lake for him! Riiiight. He informed me that he has no trouble getting dates and that he can talk to any girl, stranger or no.

He started asking me about making out... pretty sure he was trying to feel out if i'd have a ncmo. errrrr he periodically brought up how I had been "all over him" in his dream. He said he didn't think ncmo was something that would keep you out of the celestial kingdom. I said never, ever never ever would I do that, that I only kiss people I like and know. "Oh, so you don't like kissing huh?" That's not what I said but sure, you can think that!!! :)

Oh and did I mention how he told me he is a master manipulator?

My dark shorts started burning my legs sitting on the bench. Enough so that I turned up the hem to expose "sun burns" above my knee... he asked if I wanted them kissed better..... awkward.

I felt his finger tip nudge my booty. I scooted away, felt it again. And again. Till I got up and moved.

Would you like to know how such and such fish mates? Oh let me tell you, I learned all about it on this amazing date! The female consumes the male, all except his sex organs. WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS? I don't even know.

After talking for about an hour he asked me if I was falling in love with him. "You so are! You're totally falling in love with me!" I just kept talking...." See! You're so in love with me you're not even listening!" Yeah cause that makes sense.

On the way back to the car he kept trying to get closer and closer. Till our arms could touch. I stuck my hand in my pocket. He continued to crowd me right off the trails! While we walked he let me know he had to get me how soon so he could prepare for the two other dates he had planned for that evening.

When we got to the car I was informed that because he bought me a Sobe I owed him a make-out session. NO.

When he pulled up to my friends house where my car was I jumped out and said "Bye! Gotta run! Don't want your car to get hit!" Then I ran away.

There is no amount of money I wouldn't have paid to see my face through all if this!!!!!

So, for your first date, guys do NOT:

1) ask the girl to drive

2) talk about marriage

3) talk about sex (human or animalistic mating rituals)

4) Never use the word fornication.

5) no matter how tempted do not talk about assaulting a woman

6) talk about wanting to break the law

7) Do not let your date know about your other date plans

8) Booty = off limits

9) tell about psychological problems (wait till later!)

10) tell her she owes you a make out session

I could keep going but in short just don't be this guy. That's all.

So I woke up this morning thinking it had all been a nightmare but no, this really did happen, true story!!!! Ha! Figured it MUST be documented. Names not used to protect... myself! LOL Writing it out served pretty decent therapy. I swear I enjoy going on dates and stuff, this dude was just nuts!

So girls, never accept an Orange Cream Sobe, or you will be expected to put out~

Welcome back to Mean Shitpon's Guide to Insanity! (Mostly to me, because

i'm the only person who looks at this :D

Rubber Band Theory

(Not to be confused

with String Theory)

So I have a new theory, about love.

Next time you give your heart away attach it to a rubber band.

Then, when that person tries to throw it, drop it, smash it, let go, or simply hand it back it will

bounce right back into your chest, no harm done.

The result will be a non-shattered vital organ.

(As soon as I figure out how to do this I will let you know.)

I had been trying to figure out how to make one of those flowered headbands for a while. Had a couple ideas.... tried them out.... didn't work. Luckily my bff Jaimee figured it out and shared her secrets so here is my new creation.

I also figured out how to make this awesome double decker flower. I put it on one of my boarder type beanies I made a few weeks ago.

QUESTION::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Should first kisses be banned from door step drop-offs scenes?!?!?

What are you thoughts?

I ran into this awesome Article from the Mormon Times :D

(Cause seriously.... dating is fun to laugh at. Especially if you're not doing it!)

Let's discuss the doorstep scene. Not the actual physical gesture, that's between you, your date, President Kimball (in Von Harrison, 1985), and your roommate at the peephole. I mean the pivotal walk to the door which sets the tone for future interactions.

Occasionally, the spark is obvious: Before appetizers you both realize you planned this date in the pre-existence. At the doorstep you say you had fun and plan to do it again. Your conversation (or whatever) continues after you reach the door.

When the opposite happens (you both wish you'd been home alone watching "Antique Roadshow"), the scene is quite different. You part mid-sidewalk, and she fumbles for her keys while he hustles to the car. You're both relieved once separated by a locked door.

Unfortunately, feelings aren't always so obviously mutual: Maybe you played it too cool and gave him the wrong vibe; or you just wanted to get to know her, but now she's looking at rings. That's why the doorstep is crucial. Even when you're not sure how your date feels, the doorstep is the moment to clarify your intentions.

Let's consider two scenarios. First, suppose you had a good time.

You: "That was fun. Let's do it again sometime."

Your date responds offhandedly, "It was fun. Thanks." A quick hug, and goodbye.

Your date seemed to enjoy your company. What the mixed-signal just happened?!?

Tough call. Either she was deflecting your advances, or it was a glitch. Due to a combination of nerves and temporary insanity, I've personally botched many would-be romantic scenes when I was totally into the boy. Unless her roommate's giving you inside information, you'll have to assess the situation based on your next encounter.
Now, the opposite scenario. Your date was charmed by your company; you were charmed by the movie (all 125conversation-free minutes). The scene goes like this:

Date: "I really had fun. We should do it again."
You: "Me too. We really should."

Ahem. Wasn't that a tad dishonest? You did not "really have fun." You faked a nose bleed during dinner and claimed it took a half hour to stop (just biding time in the bathroom).

When you give this kind of mixed signal, you've no right to be surprised when your date wants to go out again. Unless you're hoping to spend another evening hiding in a public bathroom, try being a touch clearer. Obviously you won't say, "I'll have a cerebral aneurysm if I hear another story about your cat's diarrhea. So, let's not do it again." But, you can gracefully decline with, "It was nice getting to know you. Thanks again." Your hint may be lost on someone who spends that much time with a cat. But you tried.

Despite promising to nix the physical, I must say this: Unless your face, neck and upper arms are infected with a contagious parasite, shaking hands to end a date says at least one of the following: 1. I returned from my mission a week ago and need at least a month to develop enough social skills to be alone with a member of the opposite sex without making us both uncomfortable 40 percent of the time; 2. I find you so repulsive that I'm willing to make physical contact with only the 6-square-inch surface of my right hand, which I'll now go inside to sanitize and ex-foliate; or, at least, 3. Don't call.

If this isn't what you're after, consider a hug. (In case of the aforementioned parasite, please see a dermatologist before putting anyone else at risk. They have balms for these things.)

Julia Shumway, 26, grew up in a "Wonder Years-like bliss" in Centerville, Utah, and served a mission. She graduated from BYU and now works for state government. She says she'll focus her blog on dating things that generally apply to everyone.

So I was having trouble sleeping last night and while my mind was going and going and going while my body begged it to stop running I had the funniest thought (or maybe it's only funny at 1am). If the kind of shoes a guy wears say a lot about him.... those kicks need to speak up because i'm not hearing much. But really.... so what? Other than giving you some hint at the overall dress style (or lack of) what do a guys shoes really say about him?

I did a little bit of 'research' online and found some stupid answers:

-Cheap old ratty shoes = thrifty... or gross and lazy..... or athletic

and laid back. And yet another site said this dude has no respect for himself or you.

-Polished expensive loafers = trendy, stylish, uptight, wealthy, traditional. Also, TOOL.

- Alligator loafers (i guess that means leather with a square toe?) run away, treat man like an actual alligator... mm k? I guess that's the type of guy for Steve Irwin.

- One site hailed flip flops as the catch all shoe but I absolutely disagree! Hairy toes anyone? Nah.

- Designer prada loafers; this man supposedly collects women like he collects name brand objects. Good thing I wouldn't know these shoes if I saw them.

-Colorful trendy tennies= clean, well put together, takes pride in his appearance... and player!

So.... what of it? I don't care a whole lot. I mean, I DO actually notice a guys shoes. And I like when I like them. But it isn't something that changes the overall attractiveness of the individual or tells me what kind of person they are aside from how they act.

I'm probably not into the guy in designer alligator skin loafers... or cowboy boots. I don't mind ratty sneakers. They say comfort, practicality and thriftiness to me. But when it comes down to it... who cares? I like guys and a guy caring that much about how his shoes look is a bit feminine. And please, don't shave your toes if you choose to wear flip flops.