Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Seeing Rowan

I look at Rowan all day long. And sometimes more times at night than i'd like to. I look at his owies, his messy face, his chubby hands, the stain on his shirt… I look at his gums and check for teeth, at his bottom to check for rashes… in his mouth to fish out the bits of paper he ate from my shopping list...I look at Rowan ALL DAY LONG, but sometimes I don't see him. There are times when i'm going through our day and I realize i'm blankly staring at him munching his graham cracker while he is looking into my eyes with the BIGGEST grin on his face~ trying to connect and i'm totally vacant doing what I do every day. That's not to say I don't enjoy him, but I often seem to look past him while I wipe his face and load the dishwasher again. Or basically ignore him as I move him from one activity to the next, keeping him near me but not engaging him.  Or not paying attention to him while I watch a show and play on my phone and fold laundry all at the same time.  He's such a beautiful boy. His chubby cheeks, his lovely dark eyes with their long dark lashes and sandy hair.  I still cannot believe he is mine, part of me and my sweetheart. Our "us" personified. He has so much personality, is so independent and so curious about everything. And when I look at him, really look at him I am overwhelmed with love for this sweet individual I am lucky enough to raise.  We have been told that children are an heritage to the Lord, that we are given stewardship over these spirits, God's children to love and raise in righteousness. It never feels like enough or as though I'll ever "get it right". But as long as I can really SEE him, every day, i'll do ok. I'm going to try harder to share meaningful time with my son. Not just time. To read stories, to tickle, to sing songs, to LOOK at him and engage him, in conversation and play. I'm going to do my best to SEE ROWAN every day. 

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