Tuesday, April 9, 2013

32 Weeks

I have been wanting to post for a while but I don't know what to say!  First of all, i'm 32 weeks along! And YAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!! 8 more to go! I cannot wait to meet our baby boy and to see Danny.  I don't know which i'm more excited for, it may seem like a no brainer that I should be happier to meet our baby but I have missed Danny so terribly I am just beyond excited for both!  Second, I'm so glad that pregnancy won't last forever and that i'll get a new little person, OUR little person, Rowan out of this.  It has been hard.  I feel like every day is hard, and every week presents new physical challenges and stresses!  I really hope to be in better health next time we try for a baby.

32 Weeks Prego
 Doing this without Danny here has been especially difficult, nobody takes better care of me than he does.  I do have to say though... he has been as absolutely fantastic from afar as possible. He's really impressed me with the effort that he's made to support me and i'm constantly overwhelmed with gratitude for how he shows his love and support from afar. (Even when i'm being snotty.)  He sends me video clips on the Couple App we have (awesome app by the way) telling me goodnight  and that he loves me and he always says "I love you too baby Rowan." He has been reading my HypnoBirthing book I sent him, :) and he even did a recording of one of the scripts for me! He did a great job and I cannot tell you how comforting and relaxing it is to listen to the script in his voice. I struggle to sleep at all most nights and it has helped me to relax better. He even changed "your" baby in the script to "our" baby.  His idea. :) He's so excited to meet our son, it makes me really happy.
Danny kissing the "Megan Pillow" he
got in the mail for Valentines Day goodnight.

Deployment has been a challenge for us both.  It's easy for us to see how marriages can crumble.  Sometimes it's harder for us to communicate than it would just be to ignore each other, not because we don't want anything to do with one another but because we're tired of talk, frustrated with our situation, annoyed with malfunctioning technology, living completely separate lives and emotionally and physically exhausted.  For him it seems sometimes it would  be easier to put home life on hold and do his thing.  I'm grateful for the effort he makes to always talk to me, even when i'm so sick of this I don't want to try and just cry instead or am angry.  I don't know how some couples do this over and over. I know neither of us are weak and that if we HAD to we could do it.... but something about US just doesn't work in this.  Maybe our love languages? I'm not sure... but if you've ever been around us you know we're always close, always holding hands and very much involved in every minute of one another's day. We would rather hang out with one another and do something we both enjoy together 99% of the time.  Haha, Danny was complaining about how nasty the pizza was he tried the other day... I said we'd be sure to go out for some good pizza while he was on leave! At first he was really excited, then he said, "Well, actually babe i'd rather just cook with you." That's just how we are!  BTW.... he's been pumping iron....... and even in just two months he's gotten a LOT bigger! It has started to intimidate me a little! Especially when I am just getting chubbier and more stretched out by the min! ( Actually, I have only gained 15 lbs the entire pregnancy! Go me.) But really. He looks great!   I'm intimidated until he sends me a pic of him in his floppy hat. Or mustache. Ew. :D
Sweetie :) 

(Haha sorry if you don't like this pic up babe, i'll take it down if you want :) it just makes me laugh and I couldn't put up one of your buff hunky ones- those are for my eyes only!!!)

Danny has been doing a great job of being a good example in living the Gospel where he is.  And its being noticed, and respected.  I'm so proud of him! Danny doesn't swear, or talk about other women or participate in a lot of activities that are commonly accepted.  People have noticed and are looking up to him.  Its really awesome, he's had some opportunities to share some of what we believe too.  How he talks about me and our marriage and relationship seems to also have made an impact on those around him- that marriage can be a really awesome thing.   And that husbands and wives CAN honor one another with complete fidelity.   Even from afar.  Danny has a much softer and loving way of explaining our beliefs, he keeps it simple. I'm proud of him and think that he will have more opportunities to share the Gospel while he is there.

Anyway, I could gush about him for hours. Its the next best thing to seeing him or talking to him- talking about him. I miss him so much!

Baby Stuffs:

We had our first non-stress test today because of Rowan's two vessel/single artery cord and he sounded perfect! He's measuring great, and moving a lot. I will be doing those once a week from here on out.  I still am sick and will throw up pretty violently if I don't have zofran... weird for this late.  We had a mishap a few weeks ago with a misplaced/thrown away/lost bottle of a months worth of pills.  Its been an insurance nightmare.  I was so sick I burst a blood vessel in my eye! I couldn't even keep down my own stomach bile. I have had to pay for it out of pocket so far.  Other than that more IC pain and spasms, painful back aches, heartburn... the usual :D

I have been a little discouraged about the birth lately.  I just am really beginning to realize I can't control at all if Danny will be there or not, its all up to this little baby.  We even discussed him coming sooner and being induced at like 39-40 weeks, but that doesn't go along at all with what kind of birth I want and it raises the risk of c-section by 50%.  The midwives are strongly against it and won't do it before 41 weeks anyway.   It's just extremely difficult plan for this when Danny only has 2 weeks to work with.  We're going to stick to our original plan though of him coming at the very end of May a few  days before the due date, unless Rowan comes early and we get a Red Cross message out to Danny. He just wants to be able to spend a few days with his little son.  We also would like a few us days before the baby comes but who knows!

I have also been somewhat discouraged/confused about my health care.  A couple of weeks ago I started wondering if I should maybe switch to an OB instead of the midwives.  Just because of my health problems and Rowan's cord, I wanted to make sure we were in the best hands possible.  I prayed about it and felt like I should stay with the midwives, it didn't make sense to me.  But already being 31 weeks... then I had a nurse in the ER kind of chastise me for seeing them instead of an OB.  I kept saying I felt like I should stay, that being my only reason she kept railing me until I physically put my hands up to stop the tirade... this planted a lot of doubt! I tried getting into the best OB in the area (according to ratings) he won't take me because of my insurance.  I made an appointment with the next best one... and kept having people tell me that he is overbooked and doesn't care about or have enough time to care about his patients.  Arrrg. I didn't even get my appointment with him I got it with his nurse practitioner. That appointment was for Thurs. and I had one scheduled with the midwives Tues. My mom kept saying I should just cancel with the midwives.  I decided to go and she came with me.  I was just what I needed.  She answered all of my questions, cleared up some issues I'd had with some responses to things in the past, got right on the ball with Rowan's non-stress test.... and spoke with me frankly about the risks of being induced and let me know that the OB's in their other office were involved with my needs and addressed where I was at with my heart.  I felt SO much better, and having my mom there to also see, and she having felt good as well made a big difference.  So, moving forward!  About the heart... I see the specialist in May, he's just going to make sure it's ok to handle the pushing of labor.  I'm confident it will be fine though.

Rowan's Heart Beat on the Non- Stress Test

HypnoBirthing! Ok. So maybe I have been discouraged about everything in general. Possibly even slightly depressed? Lack of sleep, always feeling crappy, no direction or focus, stuck at home missing my husband.......... it happens.  Because i'm also struggling with being as gung-ho about this as I was before... I just struggle to relax enough to even sleep!!! HOW can I use it in labor if I can't even use it to do something as simple as sleeping...? I also for some reason have an all or nothing mentality in my mind, that's just my nature.  And I have felt that I won't be successful at it without Danny.  I just have doubts! But, at the end of the day, i'm the one who will deliver this baby.  And i'm much stronger than I realize... most of the time.  It doesn't have to be all or nothing  and I just need to keep practicing.  At the end of Danny's script  recording he included a "bonus" track of him expressing his faith in my ability to do this.  How sweet is that? Sometimes wouldn't it be great to just see our selves through another's eyes?  I feel like I need to go back to my instructor and beg her for a fear release session or something. Or just do my positive birthing affirmations more often. Have some faith!

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