Thursday, June 23, 2011


So I have to share one of the most traumatic experiences in my dating life with you, here, on my blog. Probably because, more than anything it's much needed therapy!!! What? What horrible dating situation did I go through that would cause me to need blogging therapy? Yup, you guessed it, a first date.

Before I went out with this "person", as the date plans were being made it was suggested that I drive to meet him in Rexburg..... errrrrr, well, ok, but just because I was going to go see my good friend Traci in Rexburg that day anyway. Other than the drive date he planned sounded pretty fun and even romantic! I was soooo excited! Feeding ducks and having a pick-nick? ok! :)

About 30 min before meeting up he texts me about how he had a nap and had a crazy dream.... "Oh yeah?" So, this "person" tells me how he dreamed that we were out on our date and I was ALL OVER HIM. How I wanted to make out and kept putting his arm around me..... haha ha. Ha. No.

So he came to pick me up and we went to our little duck bread throwing location. On the way to the nature park he told me how he's been in school for years and changed his major five times and still has three more semesters. When we got out of the car i saw we had no pick-nick, just bread and some drinks. He asked me which drink I would like, I asked if he already had any preference, when he said "Oh no." I picked the Orange Cream Sobe. He whined and complained that he wanted that one! I offered to trade but he wouldn't take it back.

The ducks had flown south for the summer. (According to the "person" who took me to feed them.) The few ducks we did see were uninterested in the food. After a couple throws I just held my bread in my hand.... I didn't want to waste it. My date continued to chuck bits of bread at their heads. Commenting on geese mating rituals etc. Then he turned to talking about marriage... how he WANTS to get married SO bad! How he is terrified of marriage! How all of his siblings have rough marriages..... etc... etc... errrrrrrrrrrrr...... oh and how he is SO sick of dating (why did you ask me on a date then?) how he is so sick of immature judgmental girls! (More on this later when we get into that good ol' can o' warms called... exes.) He told me how all of his friends are either married or engaged and he just cannot figure out why all of his friend's wives hate him.........................

Eventually we got bored with the non-bread interested feathered friends (and marriage talk) and he suggested we sit down on a bench and talk for a while. He told me how he didn't even do one of his assignments for a writing class that's not for his major, how he has considered plagiarizing the final paper. I didn't even know what to say! He saw my face and said "Oh i'm just kidding, I wouldn't but I want to. Now you're judging me!" Ok.... then he went off on this big thing about how his mom caused him to have ADD by sitting him with a gaming station as a kid. (I guess that's what his paper was about.) A little later he started in on the honor code... how his roommate who is engaged is so dumb because he insists on opening the blinds while they're alone in the apartment together. He informed me that the honor code is about keeping the spirit of the law instead of the letter. Because "after all the only reason we have the honor code is to keep us from fornicating." Now, i'm not sure the word fornication should ever be used in conversation. And it's definitely not a topic worthy of addressing on a first date. Of this, I am fairly positive. Either way, it's not the spirit of the law, it's a flippin' contract signed by you!

I don't remember what sparked talking about exes. I think it was something about how lame Rexburg is and how you run into them on campus... and he said he wanted to punch his ex in the face. I was pretty shocked, he again told me not to judge him and said that if I knew what she put him through I would push her in the lake for him! Riiiight. He informed me that he has no trouble getting dates and that he can talk to any girl, stranger or no.

He started asking me about making out... pretty sure he was trying to feel out if i'd have a ncmo. errrrr he periodically brought up how I had been "all over him" in his dream. He said he didn't think ncmo was something that would keep you out of the celestial kingdom. I said never, ever never ever would I do that, that I only kiss people I like and know. "Oh, so you don't like kissing huh?" That's not what I said but sure, you can think that!!! :)

Oh and did I mention how he told me he is a master manipulator?

My dark shorts started burning my legs sitting on the bench. Enough so that I turned up the hem to expose "sun burns" above my knee... he asked if I wanted them kissed better..... awkward.

I felt his finger tip nudge my booty. I scooted away, felt it again. And again. Till I got up and moved.

Would you like to know how such and such fish mates? Oh let me tell you, I learned all about it on this amazing date! The female consumes the male, all except his sex organs. WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS? I don't even know.

After talking for about an hour he asked me if I was falling in love with him. "You so are! You're totally falling in love with me!" I just kept talking...." See! You're so in love with me you're not even listening!" Yeah cause that makes sense.

On the way back to the car he kept trying to get closer and closer. Till our arms could touch. I stuck my hand in my pocket. He continued to crowd me right off the trails! While we walked he let me know he had to get me how soon so he could prepare for the two other dates he had planned for that evening.

When we got to the car I was informed that because he bought me a Sobe I owed him a make-out session. NO.

When he pulled up to my friends house where my car was I jumped out and said "Bye! Gotta run! Don't want your car to get hit!" Then I ran away.

There is no amount of money I wouldn't have paid to see my face through all if this!!!!!
So, for your first date, guys do NOT:
1) ask the girl to drive
2) talk about marriage
3) talk about sex (human or animalistic mating rituals)
4) Never use the word fornication.
5) no matter how tempted do not talk about assaulting a woman
6) talk about wanting to break the law
7) Do not let your date know about your other date plans
8) Booty = off limits
9) tell about psychological problems (wait till later!)
10) tell her she owes you a make out session

I could keep going but in short just don't be this guy. That's all.

So I woke up this morning thinking it had all been a nightmare but no, this really did happen, true story!!!! Ha! Figured it MUST be documented. Names not used to protect... myself! LOL Writing it out served pretty decent therapy. I swear I enjoy going on dates and stuff, this dude was just nuts!

So girls, never accept an Orange Cream Sobe, or you will be expected to put out~