Sunday, December 28, 2014

I'm Baaack

I know you thought you were rid of me but here I am back again!  Seems like the longer I stay away the harder it is to write a post because of how much I feel I need to explain and catch up on. So lets just dive right in.

Some of you saw me set some great goals for around christmas! And talk about how I wanted to get some weight off before we tried for another baby. Here's where I feel the need to explain--

We attended my second brother Jacob's wedding this August. (Btw doing a diet bet while traveling across country to my "home" really didn't work out!)   It was around that time that I realized that if we wanted our kids to be only two years apart (or so) we'd have to start trying again like, yesterday.  Ok maybe not yesterday but soon. I was frustrated by this thought because I hadn't REALLY gotten any closer to my goals and was still struggling with the loss of our last pregnancy.  But, I also wanted to have another baby to hold and wondered… how long can I hold of keeping our covenants because I haven't been as healthy as I should be? Hmm…. So we go to the wedding, and the sealing was really beautiful. I was a bawling mess. And it was then, during their sealing that I was reminded of that very thing, my commitment to have children. So we talked about it after and decided we would start trying again.

Fast forward a month or so, it hadn't taken and although I was disappointed I also was confused and angry- with myself. Were we really supposed to try again right now? My weight is a real problem… should I wait until i'm healthier and can be the mom I want to be? I didn't want to resent being pregnant because of the weight problems and not being able to "fix" them or them getting worse. So I was super confused and upset and basically demanded that Danny gain some spiritual insight for both of us because I was too muddled with my own issues to hear what God wanted for US. (Cause that works right? Demanding others get revelation FOR you?) At first he took a kind of "well, your body however you feel i'm ok with" approach, this made me angry. I really needed help. So after a long long pause and him pondering and listening he said,

 "I think we should have a baby."

The spirit hit me so strong with the TRUTHFULNESS of that statement.  It WAS time.  It was really cool to get that confirmation. With our other two pregnancies we just kind of thought and prayed, felt generally good and moved forward. I'm not sure why the timing with this one is important but I guess we will find out! From the time we got our answer though until I was actually pregnant I felt this little spirit pressing on me like "Hey, hey i'm ready now. Come on guys I want to come now it's my turn!" That was so strange! It was to the point that sometimes I "thought" I was already pregnant haha. Just because the confirmation and feelings I was having were so strong. I think I needed that confirmation before we were going to be able to conceive again.

A month later sure enough aunt flo never came and that little line showed up! It was pretty neat how well I understood my body this time and timing. I tracked my ovulation and wrote a lot of details in my fertility tracking app.

 Funny little FYI I got a positive on a cheap at home pregnancy test strip from china before the detected it at the doctors office. I was reading reviews on them on Amazon because I had doubts about their accuracy and read that a lot of women had to wait quite a while before positive showed up on the strip. So I rant to the garbage can and sure enough there was a positive line on the strip. I was so excited I baked up a little surprise pregnancy announcement for when Danny came home. :)  He was a little bet skeptical though until there was more "evidence". Like the blood test. He didn't really trust those cheap china tests much either.

This pregnancy has a been a LOT harder. The first trimester especially. With Rowan it was an all  the time yuck made tolerable by Zofran. Of course if  I didn't take the zofran though I would vomit repeatedly. With this one the Zofran has stopped the vomiting most of the time but the feeling like i'm going to, the nausea if I get up, bend over or move at all hasn't gone away. So I just feel miserably sick all the time. It has eased up a little around 16 weeks but still comes and goes some days. Moving from GA in the middle of that was SO hard. Not just on me but on Danny. He had to do everything and I was just laying on a mattress in our new house crying. 

We haven't been able to get proper prenatal care with this baby either. We had a few early appointments in Augusta before we moved because we were on tricare. But, after moving we were still technically in the army for about a month and it took another while to get insurance and THEN no one would see me. Because I am high risk I kept getting sent away! All I wanted was to see that our baby was still ok. Especially after what happened last time. I finally got an appointment with a High risk doctor… sort of. He wouldn't see me AS high risk unless i'd be referred. But no one would see me to refer me. So I just asked for a regular OB appointment and THEN they can decide i'm high risk for themselves! GEEZE. Isn't it ironic that if you have medical issues that would make your pregnancy a risk to you and or baby that its actually harder to get checked? What a messed up world. I still haven't seen that doctor though. I couldn't get in until the last day of December.  So after I scheduled that appointment and realized it would have been 10 weeks since we'd had our baby checked I called a midwife clinic and begged them to just see me to make sure the baby was ok. She wouldn't see me either BUT she DID schedule an US for me. So we got to go see the baby!!!! YAY!  The tech measured us at 16 weeks and moved our due date up just a couple of days to June 4. 

Friday, July 25, 2014

Dietbet Update

I'm down 5.5 lbs from my original weigh in. I haven't had weight loss over the past 2 days and gained a little… losing track of calories is usually the culprit and not having time to exercise. One day I was taking a rest from a hard P90x workout the day before and the next I spent cooking and cleaning and then we had guests for dinner that evening.  We also ran out of protein powder and a lot of my go to healthy breakfasts have included protein powder. I decided to try a healthy organic protein powder this time around. Mainly because I feel like I eat all healthy foods… except this funny artificial protein powder that comes in a purple.. bag. And it makes me a little bit uncomfortable when bubba has protein powder pancakes with us or some other protein powdered concoction. I worry about it having chemicals too and the artificial sweetener. So i'm trying something called Garden of Life Raw Organic Meal Vanilla from Amazon.  Someone from the diet bet page actually suggested it. I hope its edible!

Today we tried P90x yoga. UGHHHHH.  I'm so tired of weighing so much that a lot of things hurt my body in weird ways. The yoga involved a lot of planks and downward dog poses over and over. It started really killing my wrists. Danny always suggests we do side planks or the triceps thing where you lift yourself off of furniture behind you.. but these things put too much pressure on whatever part of my body is making contact with the ground. #Fatgirlproblems.  We didn't make it all the way through and turned it off and did a few sit ups, crunches and oblique exercises. I felt sick and fatigued after- I think because I hadn't and any protein with breakfast. (See, hope that powder comes soon.)  I wish there was just ONE exercise type activity that I actually enjoyed. Not yet i'm afraid.  But i'll keep trying. 

Danny got switched to a mid shift today. So I took The Destroyer for a walk after dinner. It was stupid hott and humid out still! 90 degrees! Ew. He enjoyed it though. I started out very slowly and kind of picked up and powered through the second half. I kept thinking about something that irritates the crap out of me. When people say to me "You're so pretty you could be a plus sized model." I know I know. "Don't be so offended they were just trying to say you're pretty… aside from being overweight." But, it makes me so mad. That phrase pounded in my hot sweaty brain for the power walk portion of our stroll. Do they HAVE to specify? I don't get it. If you're trying to compliment them just compliment them. And YOU could be a poster child for stupid insensitive people anonymous!  Only your face would be on it so it wouldn't be… anonymous…. o.O 

We are leaving on our trip to Idaho in a few days. I hope I can keep with it and not blow my diet bet! I was thinking of buying some of those carb control protein shakes for while i'm there to kind of balance things out and have a no thinking involved meal replacement option if I need one. We'll see. 

!00% Whole Wheat Bread

I've been trying out a few different 100% whole wheat bread recipes lately.  My mom made bread while I was growing up but I think her recipe is 1/2 white and 1/2 wheat.  A good friend of mine had a recipe I enjoyed when I visited but when I tried it myself something seemed off! I kept having to add cups and cups of flour! Anyway never figured out what went wrong there…. maybe a mess up somewhere when giving me the recipe? I tried a few more random ones I found online but none were quite light enough for sandwiches or anything. I ran across some gluten on sale at Kroger (ALWAYS check the health food clearance section!) I found a recipe that called for gluten and it DID turn out better than the last but still… didn't quite hit the lightness I was hoping for.  Someone in the ward suggested a previous ward members bread recipe- she sent me the link last week and we're already on our second batch!

Here it is! Note, I usually half it. The portions end up kinda funny but it works fine. PS there are three tsp in a tablespoon so one of those measurements is going to be 1 T and a little less than a full tsp.  (on the yeast and lemon juice) I didn't realize on my first try that it was actually instant yeast (bread machine yeast) instead of active dry. But when I made my second batch with the right kind I couldn't tell a difference. I also let mine rise a little longer than she says. It turned out really great! I'm happy with this one and think i'll stick to it. It doesn't taste quite as rich to me right out of the oven but I think that's because it's so much lighter thanks to the gluten.  The center's weren't doughy either!  I got some local honey and hope to get my own wheat to  grind soon to make our next batch with! I don't know why that makes me so happy… haha little red hen-ing it up over har.


Chocolate Monkey Oatmeal

We had Chocolate Monkey Oatmeal for breakfast this morning! I wanted to post the recipe, mostly so I don't for get it :)

1 Cup Rolled Oats
1 Cup Almond Milk
1 Cup Water
1/4 t. Cinnamon
1/2 t. Vanilla
1 mashed ripe banana

Banana slices for topping

Mix all ingredients in a pot. Bring to boil on high heat, when boiling turn to low heat and let simmer for about 5 min or until it's the thickness you like. We  topped ours with more banana slices and a few chocolate chips and used chocolate almond breeze almond milk on top as well.

About 400 cal, 2.5 servings. (the .5 was just enough for little bubba :) ) 

Tuesday, July 22, 2014


After much thought I decided to open up a little bit about some of my struggles. I've come to realize this year that maybe yo-yoing 70, 50, etc pounds over and over isn't normal. That maybe it's really not my fault that I just don't seem to have what it takes no matter how hard I want it it… I just cannot find it in myself at times. I get so angry at myself for being "all talk" and no action. Why? What's going in in me that keeps me from my goals?

You see… life is hard. It is hard for mostly everyone. And sometimes change, rejection, loneliness, health problems, pain, hormones, childbirth, moving, death, loss, abandonment, abuse, violence, poverty, stress… sometimes they're more than some of us can handle.

This year during our second pregnancy I started experiencing a level of depression that was concerning. It wasn't the first time. But it got to a point that I decided to tell my OBGYN about it. After lots of questions they decided I needed medication and therapy. I had been prescribed medication before… by my diabetes specialist, but I hadn't taken it, unsure that it was necessary and fearing side effects and stigma. At any rate I decided not to take what the OB had prescribed either; due to it being a class C medication. I feared what it could do to our baby. I remembered learning in my counseling and therapy class during my time studying psych at BYUI that often therapy was just as useful and Danny and I decided together that we would give that a try first. I kept the prescription though to use if things got worse.

And then we lost our baby. In retrospect I'm extremely grateful I decided not to take that medication. I know that with as much guilt as I have felt in losing our baby having done nothing to endanger that little developing baby I would have always wondered if it had been my fault due to the medication. I'm so grateful I don't have to experience that guilt.

I continued to see my counselor and was searching for an answer to that WHY i'd mentioned above. I wanted so badly to fix whatever was going on in my head that caused me to not be able to "get over" and "move past" my weight issues and just freakin' do it! Get fit, and stay that way. After a lot of up and down and having to change therapists… I came to a point with my weight a couple of months ago where I felt helpless and hopeless and desperate again. I went to my doctor to ask about weight loss medication. I never wanted any… but I felt at that point of desperation that I thought it my last resort. She said no. I tried explaining to her that depression makes it so very hard to lose weight, hard to get out of bed let alone exercise. hard to make dinner for my family let alone eat healthy clean meals. She asked me all these silly questions- do I like gardening? Do I want a prescription for exercise?  Can I use my baby as a weight to exercise? I was beyond frustrated. I just shut down, tuned out, and cried. I cried and was silent the whole way home… and then I realized something.

I don't have a weight problem.

 I have a depression problem.

Reflecting back on my life it was when became depressed that I gained weight.  When i'd moved out of that depressive episode I had no problem keeping healthy habits. It's when I feel sad I eat unhealthily. My weight is just an outward manifestation of the depression.  It was a humbling and somehow liberating- No,  an EMPOWERING feeling to finally recognize this. I'd had the mental health specialist on base tell me that going through that many depressive episodes wasn't normal…  but it hadn't quite clicked..that I wasn't just "going through a phase" but that i'd been struggling with it for years and that that was OK. That I am still ME. You see, I do have a lot of health problems and have experienced some difficult and stressful situations in my life. I had always rationalized away how I felt because I was going through what I considered an understandably depressing situation!  But that doesn't mean that I shouldn't employ every option in helping myself to cope. I then realized that I could treat this monster that lurks in the loneliness of my apartment and behind chocolate chip cookies.  I don't need to be angry with myself anymore for not being happy when I have so much around me that really does bring me joy.

I decided to try a supplement i'd been on for a short time about 4 months after Rowan was born. I'd been experiencing post partum depression symptoms at that time. But, I was also a single mom of a newborn baby, our first, while my husband was in the middle east. So i'd taken it, Danny came home and life went on. Anyway- I decided to try that supplement again.  It's called EMPowerPlus Q96. Maybe you've heard of it? It was developed by a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints- a Mormon, (my faith) after losing his wife after years of battling mental illness. His children were also experiencing severe mental illness and he stumbled across a man who suggested a certain formula of supplements he'd used to calm livestock. After a few years of experimenting with it this supplement was born. You can find a lot more info about it online. From what I hear its about 50/50 that it works for people. And some have to use it along with other treatments, but for me it was life saving.  I ordered it on Amazon and got it in three days.  It took about 4 days before the fog lifted. I was able to suddenly see behind my "depression goggles." That fog that covered everything and filters the world through a hazy negative tunnel. I no longer had thoughts that I'd rather not live, no longer had to remind myself that my son needed to see me smile. I stopped shutting off and tuning out and I stopped crying myself to sleep every night. The feeling of deep despair and loneliness lifted. And I was more interested in living again. It hasn't been SO HARD to get up and DO things.  To talk to people. To have a conversation. To reach out and serve others. To laugh and play with and enjoy my son.

I still have rough days. Especially at certain times of the month.. but I can recognize them.  If I go off of it or skip doses for a few days I feel the darkness press in around me again.  I start perceiving others intentions as negative again.  You can't choose not to be depressed. Maybe at moments you can choose not to wallow in it and give in to the emptiness… but I am a different person on this supplement. And I can feel it. I still get sad once in a while but it's normal sad. I ordered my second bottle of EmpowerplusQ96 last week. I'm not sure if i'll need it forever but i'm so grateful I tried it. It's about 50$ but isn't my life and the well being of my family worth 50$? Isn't it worth my son seeing his mom smile and be happy to see him? I think so. It's hard to share this about myself but I hope it will give someone hope and maybe the supplement can help them too.  My hope is that now with my depression under control I  can work towards being healthy again. Without getting so upset when the numbers on the scale are not down! I hope that I can move forward and have what it takes to improve myself and to be more positive about my abilities and my future. And to be the best version of myself I can be for ME and for my little family.

Here is a link to more information: http://herbsforanxietyanddepression.com/q96-story/

Monday, July 21, 2014

Starting My Dietbet

I weighed in for my very first ever diet bet last night! I'm doing Win BIG w Heidi & Chris Powell. You put up 30$ and pledge to lose 4% of your bodyweight in 4 weeks.  I'm kind of nervous since i've made my goals to accomplish this bet so public! And i've been so up and down over the last few months! But her we go! I weighed in at night to hopefully give myself a teeny advantage hehe.. because we will be in Idaho for part of it i'm trying to think of some little things to help me out. Planning snacks that are only 100 cal (a little baggie of pre-measured almonds) packing carrot sticks and buying some of my favorite low calorie protein shakes. I find I made most of my bad food choices when I feel like I have "no other options" or basically no easy options. Did I mention Danny is doing it with me? He didn't put up the money like I did but we weighed him in last night along with me and took his photo just like we did mine. He has to lose around 8 and I have to lose 12.  Would you like to see my before picture?

To enter you have to submit a photo of yourself on the scale like this:

Then immediately following you have to take a photo of your toesies on the scale with the word of the day. I didn't have to hold my word for this photo. Don't I look great? I was so mad when I saw it! Thanks for telling me when you're going to take the picture Danny!!! But then i figured eh, as a before picture its probably best I look miserable, lethargic and brainless.  Wish me luck! I am planning on this helping me get past that little up and down 4 lbs over and over rut thing. :)  I weighed this morning and i was down 5 lbs from what I weighed in at last night. This really surprised me. But there have been a few things going on with my body that have caused bloating so maybe this morning i'm just back to normal? I'm not sure but i'm not going to argue! Gives me some hope to accomplish my goal! I DO feel a little annoyed with myself for not weighing in the morning. Because I'm just jipping myself out of losing a few more pounds. But folks weight loss is about 80% mental, 10% food and 10% exercise and this time around I am just shooting for a SUCCESS!!!!!  To get past that failure mentality and keep moving forward. So to moving forward! 
PS Idaho in a WEEK! 

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

What's up?

Hi, It's been a little while. And usually that means i'm slacking off and have gained back those measly 4  pounds again. So what am I going to do about it?

I joined a dietbet! It's hosted by Heidi Powell from Extreme weight loss and the pot is HUGE.  Lose 4% of my starting weight in 4 weeks. How it works is you put in 30$ and then if you lose the 4% you get your money back PLUS get to split the money of those who did not reach their goal. We will be on vacation in Idaho during this time so i'm a little concerned it will be difficult but i'm also glad i'll have something to motivate me to keep my head on strait.  For me that's going to be about 3 lbs a week. Feel free to not do any math. So far I have one friend who is doing it with me! I'm going to try and start out at that point that I keep getting to so that I can move PAST it.

We did find and buy a used jogging stroller. We've only taken it out once because I got so sick  from allergies for the following like 3 days! I had promised myself i'd get out every other day but the allergies are still proving an obstacle. Even if I tell myself that if I want it i'll do it my athsma, itching burning eyes, sinus headaches, nausea and drowsiness say otherwise. Part of letting go of my all or nothing mentality is recognizing what doesn't work for my life at this point and still trying other things. The more I think about it and realize this is going to be a life long JOURNEY towards health the more I am able to make small improvements daily and not have lows.

More on that all or nothing perfection mentality. I was thinking about it while I did the dishes this morning and I came up with an analogy that put it in even better perspective. So my all or nothing mentality goes like this:

 I make cookies for some "event". I eat a couple more than I should. Not enough where eaten at said event. Therefor I must EAT all of the cookies because today is ruined, I have already gone way way over my calorie intake. There's no point it "ruining" tomorrow with cookie temptation! Today was a fail. Do not exercise because- what's the point? Cookies. So you feel terrible for your lack of self control and flood your body with sugar all in the name of perfection tomorrow. You vow not to eat any carbs tomorrow at ALL to make up for it. But, of course you do and the guilt and failure cycle through again.

Obviously this thinking is flawed from every angle and just downright silly. But we do it.

I decided to compare it to spending. We eat every day and even when we think we're not we use money daily- we use electrify, burn gas, use water etc. So if you go to Target and you spend a bit more than you should do you go, AH! I must spend ALL of my money so that tomorrow, when I have to come back to Target I won't mess things up again and can stay within my budget!!! You feel guilty and are full of buyers remorse but vow to not even GO OUT tomorrow or even spend a cent. Of  course you have to because you are out of milk for the baby and buy something else that you really do need but feel guilty all over again because you weren't supposed to spend and now you don't have money for groceries next week.

These thought process just don't make sense. And like our bank account you can't just fix it and start over tomorrow. Although every day is a new day to strive towards being better there are still consequences to spending all of your money or eating all of the cookies. My blood sugar rockets and then crashes and I spend the next two days on a roller coaster trying to get it stable again. My weight goes up, my body becomes one day LESS HEALTHY instead of HEALTHIER. I probably didn't get the nutrients I actually needed that day either.

So there, there is a way to talk myself out of that silly cycle "Am I also going to run out and spend all of our money because my amazon order was more than I anticipated? No. So I won't eat all of x just to be rid of it either."

Wednesday, July 2, 2014


Watching Extreme Weight Loss. I wish I and a Chris Powell in my life to help me break through those physiological barriers that are holding me hostage! Some of the people he works with are truly inspiring.

I've been a great deal of pain lately with IC flare ups. I haven't exercised because of it, it hurts to walk, any jarring or bending motions. UGH! But, I know it will calm down and i'll get going again. I also had a migraine with an aura  knock my freaking socks off today. Haven't had one that bad in a while. They are truly a curse. So is IC. But I digress.

So I entitled this "Secrets" because I have one to share. Once upon a time in college I wrote The Biggest Loser.  But then, when they actually called me back, and KEPT calling I chickened out.  Yeah, that didn't have quite the umph some secrets may, and it's kind of an embarrassing one I guess. Meh. I also went to a pre-school for handicapped children as a model student hahahaha anyway that's what my mom says! :P BUT seriously I was afraid of children with downs syndrome for quite some time because they always ripped my hair out. Hope that made SOMEONE smile. :) 

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Grief Invisible

It's moments like these that make the pain real again instead of a memory.

Some stuff happened, usual stuff for me today. I had a little rant about them and our family frequently visiting the ER over Facebook, and I said "…Between the 4 of us…" I then posted it, and upon re-reading realized that i'd put 4, not three. It took me a second to realize what was wrong with the 4, I had to mentally say and tick off on my fingers, "Megan, Danny, Rowan.. Rowan. Three, that's three." And my heart ached again. That grief invisible to the outside world. Because we are four. It's the little moments that make it all real again. You can put away the thoughts of your lost baby and the life they may have had and the family you would have shared but they are a part of you that changes your heart forever. I still cry when a stranger says her due date is "...end of October beginning of November." I still ache when I see a newborn baby, or a pregnant woman. I still have to leave the room as others share their good news, because it all makes the pain too real again. 

Post Weekend Detox

Does anyone else out there take pics of them in their sunday clothes in the church parking lot? We do haha but bubba's little bow tie was so sweet I just HAD to! We had a rough weekend.  Health wise. Well, and otherwise. We were basically out of groceries, all I had in the fridge were carrots, cucumber, one chicken breast and cheese haha! So I made a creamy chicken noodle soup. I've posted the recipe on the blog before, it's really yummy but felt so rich and fattening after how we have been eating!

 After leaving church a little early and being sad I figured, hey, we haven't had cookies in a LONG time, so we'll be fine to have "treat Sunday".  I enjoy baking and it was fun to have Rowan as my little helper/taste tester.  By the way.. his new thing is shutting doors, and often shutting himself in the room and then getting pretty distraught. LOL right now's banging on his bedroom door… better go help.

Anyway. I made up a menu for the week and grocery list Monday and we went and got Steak and Shake on our way to the grocery store.  AND I FEEL DISGUSTING. And bloated, and in pain. It's funny to me because we haven't gone out to a fast food place for a while, well except Moe's because if I don't eat the chips its pretty healthy. The month we lost the baby we were going there 2/3 times a week. Terrible. I decided today and the next two days i'm going to do a little veggie and fruit detox. I can't do juicing because of how my body reacts to the sugars being dumped into my system, and the lack of fiber doesn't do me much good either. So just fruits and veggies and then nuts and beans for protein (also because of how my body would react to the sugar's without protein.) No meat, no diary, no sugar, no carbs.. and LOTS of water.

So last night we had a beef and broccoli type stir fry over brown rice and today i'm starting my little detox. I had the blueberry avocado spinach smoothie for breakfast. Hopefully with how we have been eating it won't be TOO hard. With how we have been eating PRIOR to our rough weekend I mean. Ugh. The person I was going to go buy the jogging stroller from went out of town! I'm so annoyed. I wish they had told me they were so I would have met with them before they left.

I have been meaning to say for some time that if you're intimidated by nutrition because you don't think you know enough but want to start to eat healthy and just aren't sure where to begin… start with adding fruits and vegetables. As many as you can. Focusing on what you'll add TO your diet instead of what you're going to deprive yourself of or remove from it is a much better way to make positive changes. Focus your meals and cooking around the vegetable and protein. It's a start.

We almost have a little walker on our hands! he's been taking steps here and there on his own but usually goes back to crawling after he loses his balance. Every day he goes a little further! It's a good lesson for me. I may fall but as long as I get back up and go a little bit further, just take a few more steps every day.. i'll be ok.

Sunday, June 29, 2014

Past Epiphany

You know those moments when you discover something about yourself? An epiphany of sorts, of what you need or need to do? I had one of those a few months ago… and then COMPLETELY FORGOT about it. Luckily I blogged it… FYI people this is why journaling is awesome. You can grow tenfold when you're reminded of those times in your life when God shed a little light, all as a big picture.  Lately I see it in my blogging, which has in many ways replaced some of my journaling.  I was going back and reading through some posts a week ago and ran across one i'd made as a reflection of watching an episode of Extreme Weight Loss.  (BTW i'm not 100% in love with their methods or un realistic goals that often set the people up to fail or use extreme methods.) The girl on the show was not eating enough in order to meet goals and Chris Powell had her set physical goals instead. Anyway I realized that that's what i'd needed to do and then forgotten completely about it as I got caught up in my weight loss goals and  charts and scale. So I need to get back to setting those fitness goals instead. And come up with a time frame to meet them in. I'm going to look a jogging stroller sometime this week! And I had Danny hide the scale and i'm only going to weight 2x a month, and I wrote down my measurements. I hope though that I find better ways to still  be accountable to myself outside of just my weight. Through my food journal is one way. Speaking of… I need to make up our weekly menu and grocery list!

As you know we lost our baby about two months ago. I haven't mentioned it again but it's still a  challenge. Still grieving. This week a few couples that were due around when we were found out the gender of their baby. It's been really hard. Knowing an announcing the gender just solidify's so much those dreams you have for that child and your family unit with them in it. I'm starting to look forward to moving in a few months for that reason alone. And as selfish as it sounds I hope we move before they're born. It's been hard to see the pregnant bellies and hear the gender announcements but I know that seeing the actual baby will be even harder. I know it will always be hard to see children that age.

I tried baking a clean and healthy breakfast cookie this weekend.  And almost caused the death of my child in the process!
It had banana, oats, egg, crasins… idk other healthy stuff.. and almonds. Oh! And some chocolate chips just to make them edible. I gave one to Rowan without giving it much thought. He was so hungry he started snarfing them. Anyway he ended up choking on one of the almond chunks! I was sitting there watching him making sure he DIDN'T choke because i'd noticed him trying to swallow something he obviously hadn't chewed or mashed with his little gummies. I was kicking myself for putting the almonds in or not picking them out of his, sure enough… he was ok though. He swallowed it and coughed some and cried a little and was fine. Sigh. If we make those again they'll be nut free!

Thursday, June 26, 2014

No Leftovers!

Last night we were supposed to have leftover lentil soup for dinner. Thaaaat didn't happen.  It was really yummy! And I was excited to have a new recipe that was vegetarian and diabetic friendly turn out so good, but poor Danny bit into a clove and that turned him off to the stuff. Then I had visiting teach right at 6 and by the time I finished we were both starving and wanted nothing to do with the leftovers… but wanted everything to do with our favorite mexican food restaurant on that side of town. I'm not mad at myself for eating it i'm just … irritated because it wasn't worth it. I had done so well for the rest of that day and our mexican food caused me to gain a full pound. Ya. Really, my body is like that. I will gain an entire pound in one day if I go over my calories or indulge in even a little bit of whatever.

Today I only ate foods within my good food list but lost track of my calories. And for some reason I was SO HUNGRY all day! So i'm not sure where i'm at exactly but we had chicken cabbage salad for dinner and I have a pretty good feeling i'm on the safe side for today. Cabbage is my friend.  I can eat lots of it and it is just crazy low in calories.

You know all of those people that say you can eat whatever you want and lose weight because "Oh I just counted the calories and bla bla .." well I think that's crap. Because if I give up lunch for a treat that's high in calories i'll be too hungry. If I eat 3 meals a day and two snacks all packed with nutrient rich, low calorie, good foods that my body needs to be healthy there isn't any ROOM for any of that stuff in my daily calorie limit! Just saying.

I walked with Rowan again this morning.  I had some wardrobe malfunctions that made it interesting.  I wore spandex pants that'd been too stretched out running errands the day before and so they kept falling off haha! It is so difficult to admit how out of shape I am.  I have truly been too lazy. Ya, I can point to lots of reasons for being that way… but.. I don't want to anymore.  I walked with him for 30 min. Just walked. And I was exhausted. I decided that this time i'd walk as quickly as possible and walk until I felt super pooped… and THEN i'd turn around. So that i'd have to push myself to keep going and get back home! I feel that the stroller pulled me. I I thought about sitting on the side of the road in some shade a couple of times, but I didn't … man! I see people much bigger than I am who have so much more endurance and strength than I do! It's abosolutely discouraging and disheartening. But I really am determined to keep at it. 3x a week. Just work on getting out there that often. I tried to do some sprints again today but we don't have a jogging stroller and it didn't handle going quickly well at all. The wheels would vibrate.  I found a decent one on Craig's list for 40$ I am going to go look at when we get paid. Oh! So I picked something up along the side of the road during our walk today! A hardback copy ofThe Lord of the Rings! I kind of laughed and had the thought that it was God's way of rewarding me for my efforts. And then my very next thought was.. how did this really get here? Did one kid throw another kids book out of the bus window? hmm…
I got an infection again and have been on an antibiotic that makes me pretty sick. I have to take it in the morning and at night. I had been doing so well at avoiding antibiotics. Sigh. Anyway I realized that when I felt like I may hurl on our last walk it was probably the meds. So I waiting to take them until after our walk today. I mixed up some overnight oats in an almost empty almond butter jar to enjoy when I got home too! Silly Rowan. I fed him blueberry pancakes before we left and he didn't touch them. But as soon as we get home he was picking up his cereal from yesterday off of the floor and munching it! Sigh.. I guess it's really my fault it's there anyway haha!

I've taken a few pics of myself, last week and this week. Even though my weight hasn't gone down a lot I feel like my stomach isn't as bloated and big.  And I could see it in the pics so that's progress!

Rowan has been enjoying our morning walks. I feel better getting him out of the house. He's always so devastated when we get home and I put the stroller away in the closet. He's devastated a lot lately. If you set him down, tell him no, go to the bathroom, shut a door, don't let him mess with the dials on the dishwasher… oh boy. Danny keeps pointing out that he plays me a lot. Throws a fit and looks for my reaction. I feel like i'm getting mean though … because I tell him he can't have or do things and then he throws a fit and I ignore it. Sigh. It's that age. I want so badly for him to start using more signs.  He know's "all done" and does the sign and says it sometimes too. Tonight at dinner he was yelling from his chair because he'd finished. I told him to use his all done sign and showed him "all done all done!" He looked at me. Looked down. Thought about it.. thought about it… tried screaming again… and then finally did it.  So that's progress I guess. I  want him to see that he get's results when he makes the effort to communicate with sign instead of screaming. Boys. Love him.

Danny has started working nights. It is nice to have the car during the day but having him here sleeping makes my days feel weird. I'm less motivated in being productive. It feels like a sleepy saturday or something. And he's been irritated that he doesn't have down time. Hope it doesn't last long. 

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

One Stumble at a Time

I'm learning so much about myself. In the past my weight loss efforts have been sporadic and extreme. Now, as I try to truly find the balance in living life in a healthy way I discover that there's a lot of up and down, trial and error, and small improvements along the way. Not being obsessed with being perfect in my dieting and calorie counting every day and switching my mindset has been a challenge but i'm progressing. Yesterday I ate well, tracked my calories and then … we wen't to Moe's for dinner.  I learned a few things. If i'd just eaten my chicken whole wheat tortilla burrito I would have still stayed within  my daily cal amount, even if i'd had queso I would have barely been over.. it was the fried corn chips that were the problem. I went home, looked up how many calories i'd ingested and just about died documenting the 800 calorie chips in my food journal. But,  I said well- I learned 2 things.  1- I need to google the calorie's of foods BEFORE I eat them and 2- Now I know. Now I know what i'm doing to my body when I eat them and next time I will do better. Mistakes are learning opportunities and I learned. Now, back to the perfection mentality; last night after discovering how badly i'd bombed and decided to make it a positive learning experience I still had that little voice in my head saying "Hey you totally screwed up this day. Epic fail. This day was a fail. So lets go indulge in something yummy and start over tomorrow!"

But there is no "Starting over." There is only today, and tomorrow's body reflecting all of my yesterday's decisions. There's only today and now.

Another thing i'm coming to realize is that no matter how many obstacles are in my way to being healthy… if I truly want to eat well and exercise i'll find a way. Anyone can come up with dozen's of real reasons (obstacles) that make it difficult to live healthily but if we're truly determined we'll find a way to do all we can do.  Whether that's spending more money on healthy foods and cutting money elsewhere or getting outside to exercise even though you have terrible allergies that make you ill. If I want to i'll find a way.

I am working on changing how I view food as well.  The more I learn about nutrition and calories the more I see food as fuel and nutrients.

I watched Forks over Knives and Veducated last night.  It was interesting to see how much research showed that animal products promoted cancer growth. I came to the conclusion that  we should try to follow the word of wisdom more honestly in relation to how much meat we eat. The scriptures say meat is for men but that we're to be grateful and kind to God's creatures and to eat meat sparingly. Veducated's footage of what's done to animals in slaughter houses and on mass producing farms was truly disgusting. But knowing that we are supposed to eat meat i'm not sure what to do with that information. I think when we are able to we will make more of an effort to purchase meats from local butchers and buy eggs from local farmers. It's truly disturbing and I support all laws that are in place to ensure humane methods of slaughter. Our society has little respect for life, no matter how small. Animal or human in it's early stages. I hope that the more people become aware of this problem the more likely the humane law's will be enforced.

This past week we tried a few new foods. Tofu Taco's was on the list for a vegetarian dinner. I've neve eaten tofu… So I  did my research and purchased, pressed and prepped our tofu for taco's. It was disgusting. I hated the texture and will NOT be eating that again anytime soon. Ever.

I made Italian turkey burger meatballs and marinara sauce over spaghetti squash for sunday's dinner.  I had been nervous to try this one since i'm not a huge fan of squash. It turned out AMAZING. I couldn't believe how yummy it was an wondered why I'd ever eaten regular spaghetti in the first place! Especially being pre-diabetic. The difference in calories was crazy. One cup of spaghetti has 220 cal and the squash had 31! Yeah! Awesome right?

One of my goals is to become part of that elite group of human's they call "runners." I've read a lot of material on how to get started and am working towards it. Today I added short sprints! And almost died. But, I didn't die, and plan doing that 3x a week. One stumble at a time. Huffin' and Puffin'. Red faced and sweaty. YES. 

Friday, June 20, 2014

My Favorite Protein Pancakes

I've tried a few clean protein pancakes and this recipe is by far my favorite. It's low calorie, whole grain, gluten free, and easy to make!  It's berry season so I'm still posting recipes that include blueberries, have to get those little antioxidant rich fruits in. Of course by the time I thought of taking a pic I was half way through eating them… once again, next time!

Oat N' Berry Filling Protein Pancake 

1 Cup Rolled Oats 
1/2 Cup Unsweetened Applesauce
2 Eggs 
1 Scoop Vanilla Protein Powder
1/8  tsp cinnamon 
1/4 tsp vanilla
1/3 Cup Almond Milk
1 tsp baking powder 
1 Cup blueberries 

Grind rolled oats in a blender or food processor to make oat flour. I just throw them in my Ninja. Add remaining ingredients and mix until combined. Heat griddle or frying pan to 350, spray pan with cooking spray before cooking. 

The batter is about 700 Cal total, I was able to get 5 decent sized pancakes out of it. 140 Cal each. 

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Reward Myself!

I've set some new goals from where i'm currently at, I've bounced around too much over the last few weeks so I decided to just set my goal rewards from where I currently am. I still have the go see Maleficent after losing 10 lbs from my current weight goal reward… ah here she is.. :) 

And! I thought of something I really really want and almost purchased for myself today before I realized… I didn't really deserve it haha so I decided a Petunia Pickle Bottom diaper bag satchel would be my -25 lbs from my starting weight prize! Isn't it lovely? I don't know why these make me drool but… just look at it! I'm so tired of hauling my no shape army bag that I  can't put in the wash and purse everywhere.  The army bag is very sentimental, my mom made it for me from Danny's pants while he was deployed, but, its looking a little worse for wear and the velcro ruins a lot of my clothing by snagging them. I'm actually excited to work towards getting one! I hope this will help me stay motivated. I printed off a picture of it with my goal weight next to it and put it on my weight loss chart. :)  I've been thinking about making Saturday mornings  kind of a ritual of weighting instead of every day. But I think I need one in the middle of the week too to keep me honest. Meh.

I am really loving overnight oats. But I can't figure out how to get the calories down while still getting in protein, healthy fat, whole grains and a fruit for breakfast. And still have it be edible. The problem with my favorite Peanut Butter Cookie Overnight Oats is the peanut butter… SO many calories AH!

But just look…

Lovely & delicious. 

I did Zumba again today… after trying to put Rowan down for a nap so there was a lot of back and forth because he decided he wasn't quite ready to go down. Then he laughed at me and pulled my glasses off while I tried to do some toning on the floor to cool down.  I got the steps better this time but still pooped out a few min before the end.  I need to go back to the beginners DVD and learn the moves. I also pinned lots of workouts for the obese on Pinterest. Don't judge. Haha  I own this huge DVD set of Zumba. I am finally realizing that if I really really want this i'll do it, despite all of the obstacles. And… that it's less about weight and food than it is emotional wellness, or un-wellness that manifests itself in twinkles. Well, I don't really eat twinkles but you get the idea.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

What I DO Know!

I totally fell off of the bandwagon RIGHT after posting my "i've lost 8 lbs" thing a couple of weeks ago. I thought, "Well,  I have a whole week to lose 2 lbs and meet my goal" and then of course I slacked off, my weight went up, we partied too much, ate too many treats and didn't move enough and now i'm back up about 5 lbs from the 8.  I've lost my food journal too! This is a real problem… so I started using spark people yesterday (again) to start tracking my calorie intake and ran into the same problem (again) with having trouble tracking the foods that I cook from scratch. I rarely measure and even when I do it's like ok, this much in a whole recipe divided by how many servings and how much I ate? Oh.. and then I added a little extra? Well what's a serving of this thing I concocted? IDK.

What I do know is this-

*Fill half of my plate with veggies
*Eat plenty of fresh fruits
*Eat lean proteins
*Drink lots of water
*Fit in plant based protein
*Eat fresh fruits every day
*Eat a rainbow
*Eat healthy fats… but not too much,  this one is hard for me...
*Check packaging for portion size
*No seconds
*Slow down on eating
*Move your butt
*Chew more slowly
*Eat whole grains
* Build muscle

 I made whole wheat bread sunday to help us get in our whole grains and extra fiber, I think it's been a little rough on Rowan's tummy even though he loves it. That boy is never regular lol. I still usually start my day's out healthy, like my yummy Blueberry Veggie smoothie I posted a few days ago. And tonight and last night I cooked a healthy dinner that was on the weekly menu. Well, last night I did! Tonight I found that I hadn't gotten to my cabbage fast enough! It had little black moldy spots!!! EW. So I cut them off and realized I didn't have enough good parts left to make what i'd intended. So I improvised and we had black bean and coleslaw taco's.  They were DELISH. Really. I wish i'd taken a pic! I'll  try to remember to tomorrow when I have leftovers.

Yummy Clean Coleslaw and Black Bean Taco's 

1 Small or 1/2 Large Cabbage- shredded
2 shredded carrots
1/4 red onion
1/2 Cup apple cider vinegar
1/4 t. salt
1/4 t. pepper
1/2 Cup plain greek yogurt
2 TBS Honey

Grate cabbage and carrots, or chop finely, chop onion finely, stir in remaining ingredients. Chill.

Black Beans
2 Cans Black Beans
1 Tbs Lime juice
Dash Salt
Dash Pepper
6 Cilantro leaves
2 Tbs Salsa
1 t. Cumin
dash cinnamon

Drain and rinse black beans (if using canned beans) Stir together and heat over stove.

Warm corn tortilla's in frying pan with a little bit of oil.

Build taco's on a corn tortilla-  Black Beans, Coleslaw, cheese, (optional), salsa, avocado, cilantro, lime! YUM.

Anyway. I did Zumba this morning. It was embarrassing for all of us. (The TV, Couch, various decor items and area rug were all embarrassed by how difficult it was because i'm so out of shape.) But  I did it. And then I meditated for a while, did a belly wrap ( which did nothing for my belly) and drank LOTS of water. Then tonight after dinner Danny and I took bubba for a little walk. It was a decent day.

Oh, in an effort to slow down my meals a little bit and to keep Rowan interested in his own so I don't feel so rushed i've started playing music while we eat lunch together. I love how he can't help but move to the rhythm and I try to share different styles of music with him. It's exciting to see how happy he is when he hears music.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Blueberry Veggie Smoothie

I've been having this yummy smoothie for breakfast over the last couple of weeks! Blueberries were on sale and it's a full of fiber and foods packed with nutrients! But,  I will warn you... if you're not used to a fiber rich diet your bowls may protest.

Blueberry Veggie Smoothie

1/2 Cup Almond Milk
1 Cup Blueberries
1/4 Avocado
1 Cup baby Spinach
1 Tbs Chia Seeds
1 Scoop Protein Powder
7 Ice Cubes

Calories: 270
Fiber: 27 g

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Meal Plan Week A and Grocery List

Meal Plan Week A

B: Overnight Oats- Pumpkin Spice
( I added protein powder because I didn't use soy milk.)

L: Black bleans, rice, veggie

D: Southwest Taco Salad With Cilantro Lime Dressing http://www.thegardengrazer.com/2013/04/southwestern-chopped-salad-with.html

B: Egg whites and avocado on whole wheat toast

L: Leftover Southwest Taco Salad

D: Spicy BBQ Chicken Pizza and side spinach salad
(Mine is similar to this, I use regular bbq sauce and add some spicy grill seasoning and we don't put peppers and do add olives.)

Crust:(I use whole wheat flour, omit ¼ of it and add some falx)

B: Greek Yogurt, granola and blueberries parfait

L: Avocado and creamy swiss on whole wheat toast

D: Black Bean Veggie Burger, sweet potato fries, watermelon http://backtoherroots.com/2010/08/09/homemade-black-bean-burgers/

B: Scrambled Eggs, Side of watermelon

L: Leftover BBQ chicken pizza and Salad


L: Black Bean and Cheese Quesadilla's , top with avocado or fresh guacamole.

D: Chicken Cabbage Salad

B: Oatmeal Banana Muffins
L: Leftover Cabbage Salad

D: Orange chicken and broccoli over quinoa

B: Cold Cereal Granola side of fruit

L: Leftover Orange chicken

D: Oven Roasted chicken, Potatoes, and Carrots in Ranch seasoning
(here's a link it's the same idea.)

Grocery List: 
(Seems like a lot  but you probably already have most of it.)

Almond Milk
Greek Yogurt (plain)
Chicken Breasts
Pepperjack Cheese
Creamy swiss (lite laughing cow cheese wedges)
Ground turkey

pumpkin puree
1 Orange

Romain Lettuce
1 Orange bell pepper
1 Green Bell Pepper
Cherry tomatoes
Frozen Corn
Green Onions
Red onion
Green Onion
Yellow Onion
Sweet Potatoes

Dry Beans
Whole wheat bread
Whole wheat Flour
Chicken Ramen
Spring Egg Roll Wrappers
Whole grain tortilla's

Chia seeds
sunflower seeds
Peanut Butter

Pure Maple syrup
Pumpkin Spice
Lime juice
Garlic cloves
Olive Oil
White Vinegar
Red wine Vinegar
Rice vinegar
Bbq sauce
Spicy grill seasoning (chicken)
Chili Powder
Hot sauce
Soy sauce
baking soda
salt flax seed
Ranch seasoning

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Down 8 lbs!

YAY! I'm so excited to say that i'm down 8 lbs. My goal for each month is around 8 lbs but I am shooting for 10 for the first month because i'd lost a couple after the miscarriage and before I started eating better again. If that makes sense. But i'm on track to make my goal for the month, 10 lbs by the 15th, I have a week and a half to lose 2 more! My first goal reward, if I meet my goal weight by the 15th of June, is seeing Maleficent!  I was just excited and had to share!

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Avocado Smoothie

Yesterday went well. I stayed within my calorie zone, and I experimented on a few new recipe's I mentioned in my last post.  I'm eating lots of avocado lately, probably more than I should. I got a big bag of them at Costco and all of the sudden they're all ripe so I have to eat them! NOW! Haha, so I thought i'd share my meals with you from yesterday.

Breakfast: 2 Scrambled eggs and fruit

Snack: I didn't have one… I wasn't hungry lol

Lunch: Light creamy swiss, sliced avocado and
salt and pepper on whole wheat toast, Steamed broccoli, and fruit.  Doesn't it look delicious? IT  WAS.

Snack: Avocado smoothie! I'm so excited this turned out so yummy. My avocado was perfectly ripe too, I think that helped. I looked around at a few recipes and came up with my own concoction. It could have been a teensy bit sweeter, you can add some honey or agave if you want.  I chose not to.  I'm not just saying it was good. It really was. It was so fluffy and rich. -1/2 Avocado, -1 Frozen Banana, -2 T cocoa ( I have the cheap kind, if you have hershey special dark or a better quality cocoa you may want to try just one Tbs.)  -1 tsp Vanilla, -1/2 C. Almond Milk, -1 Tbs. Almond butter, ice                    
Dinner: Crock pot teriyaki chicken over quinoa, I know I got this idea from pinterest… but I can't find a link for you or anything, and I didn't really follow the recipe. It has pineapple, carrots, chicken and broccoli. For seasoning I used garlic, ginger, lemon, rice vinegar, soy sauce, salt and pepper. 

Then last night I put together some overnight oats, peanut butter cookie flavored, they were a lot better than my previous tries at overnight oats.  Here's the link

Oh, and they were only 300 cal, and I have been full enough to not need a snack before lunch. 

Monday, June 2, 2014

Two Weeks

I started over eating healthy on the 17th of May, that first week went really well! It wasn't easy but I did my best to count cal's and do some kind of physical activity almost every day.  Shooting for consistency, habit and success.  I lost 6 pounds the first week, actually 6 days, THEN we went to Florida for memorial day weekend. I knew and expected that this would throw things off.  But that's life, you go on vacations, you share birthday cake with family and then you get back to life. I did better the first couple of days when we were able to choose meals. When we got back I had gained 5 lbs, in 4 days! I was sad but I hoped that most of it was water weight and got back on track.

We have been home a week now and I haven't yet reached where I was when we left for Florida, it hasn't come off nearly as quickly as that first week… strange. I've bounced up and down a little through the week. I didn't reach my weekly goal by about 2 lbs. We went to dinner Friday night with a group from Danny's work to celebrate a promotion, that set me back about a pound and a half again. I was surprised because I had barely eating any of my dinner, even though it was whole wheat pasta. But, i've  tried to stay positive and keep up my food journal. The days I lose track of calories and go over or don't exercise at all I don't lose and usually gain. It's hard to track calories when  I cook everything from scratch and often don't measure!  So anyway, still working on it! I hope to meet my monthly goal even if I didn't make my weekly one. I'm shooting for consistency and to continue trying, no matter how long it takes. It took time to put the weight on and I have to be patient with it  coming off. I can look at my week and say, hey I bounced around and lost one pound instead of two, but, I LOST one, instead of gaining one. Or more. And I'm stronger, have more energy, have been eating foods that are better for my body and provided healthy meals for my family. I have gone to bed proud of myself and been much happier and more organized, you have to be organized to do this.  I don't like weighing every day and know this can be unhealthy but for now with trying to figure out what balance of food "works" for my body I have to be aware of how what i'm putting into it is effecting me, ignorance leads to weight gain and lots of it in my case.

One thing i've noticed with with upping my protein and fiber is… bloating! My poor tummy one night looked like i'd swallowed a basketball! It was hard to the touch and painful. I poked around a little bit online and this is common for people who switch to a more clean and whole diet.

We are making Tuesday nights "gym night." And Saturdays as well.  My plan is that doing so will make me get out there and go to the gym for once. We have been paying for a membership for a few months now and gone ONCE.  I try to walk with Rowan most days but it's been getting hot pretty early! And so humid! I put on one of my work out dvd's the other morning and that didn't go too well, I only got in about 10 min with Rowan under foot, clawing at my pant leg, crying, getting stepped on and kicked (accidentally of course!)… we'll figure it out.

Some days I am better at eating all whole and raw than others. And then some days I just want a chocolate chip cookie. I try to drink as much water as I  can, I added cucumber, lemon, strawberries and a dash of cinnamon the other day! It tasted good (cinnamon is supposed to help regulate blood sugar and boost your metabolism.)

We had Spicy Bbq Chicken Pizza last night. The only thing "bad" in it was the bbq sauce.  I made the crust with whole wheat flower and added some flax seed. It was a little tough but thin so it was a nice crunch. Most people top this with fresh cilantro and red onion.
 If you didn't know already that Danny and I are mexican food junkies here's the first clue. I made fresh guacamole with avocado, greek yogurt, onion, lime and green chili's. We had black bean quesadillas one evening with fresh salsa and guacamole. Then for the next couple of days I ate black beans, guacamole and salsa over greens for lunch. SO good. Ugh, the guacamole was my downfall.  I ate way too many chips in the name of "not letting it go bad!" YUM.
 This was one vegetarian meal I came up with, I hope to try some more soon.

Tonight I am going to try Pineapple Chicken Teriyaki in the crock pot. With carrots and broccoli over quinoa. We got a pineapple from Costco last week, finally cut it up this weekend but it wasn't a very good one :(. I've since learned how to pick a better pineapple! I need to use it though so adding it to a teriyaki dish is what I came up with.  Cooking from scratch takes a LOT of work and time. I'm trying to simplify things. Tonight I may put chicken, pineapple, carrots, and broccoli in the freezer to make teriyaki another evening. I plan on doing the same when we do a stir fry later this week.

I'm going to try an avocado chocolate smoothy today for lunch! We'll see how that goes lol.

We tried overnight oats a couple of times. They're ok but I just hate when they add up to like a 500 cal breakfast!  Not adding yogurt, peanut butter, or using almond milk helps.

Yesterday was our first day back at church since we lost the baby. I really did have a great week and felt more like myself than I have in a while, I think my hormones have leveled out again. Church was harder than I expected, i'm just going to leave it at that.  Everyone was kind and had good intentions. Some people from the ward "heart attacked" our door with kind little notes and cookies. It was so sweet of them! And I was grateful, that made me cry! Thanks :)

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Getting Back on Track

Last week I did a little journaling exercise where I wrote down where i'd bee in 5 years if I didn't get healthy and continued to gain weight. Then, I did an entry of where i'd be in five years if I DID. It was a helpful if not somewhat dramatic experience that opened my eyes to really how much our eating habits can affect our future, one another, or relationships, or children and the quality of our lives.  After doing so I set some goals in the following areas; weight loss, fitness, emotional, and nutrition. I bought a brand new journal that was spiral bound to track my caloric intake in. I started that on Saturday and have been doing pretty well. I've made a few little mistakes along the way but one thing that i've come to realize is that my all or nothing mentality- when it comes to eating heathy is a major roadblock.  For example- Cookies. If I eat a cookie and then eat another cookie… then i've blown my day! So, logically, (????!) I must eat all cookies so I do not have to see them and "ruin" tomorrow.  Doesn't that make PERFECT sense?!?! No. It's cray cray.  So I am striving to let go of this perfection mentality in that I don't beat myself up for mistakes, and don't expect any day to  be perfect. I may go out for dinner and order something I thought was less calories only to discover the dressing and cheese were not accounted for and that puts my over my daily goal. So? So tomorrow is a new day,  I didn't know.  And that's OK.  Another thing i'm trying is to not deprive myself. I LOVE treats. Am I going to live my life without having them once in a while? No. It's just not realistic, so i'll calculate them into my cal intake, have only one, or a healthier version, or just a bite, maybe walk a while longer to burn some extra cal's that day and move on with my life. Not beat myself up about it, not binge, not feel deprived or punished… and not quit because...t's all about moderation and learning to live in the real world and to enjoy the real world. And improving my relationship with food.  So so far, since I started my little food journal i'm down 4 lbs., 7 since we lost the baby.  I know some of it is water weight and I waited until it had been 2 weeks before I started tracking things. I have noticed the days that I walk I lose more and that motivates me to go further and get moving more. I still have pain some days from the D&C and caught a viral flu deal so I haven't walked today.  Hopefully I'll post more about successes! I plan on it.

Monday, May 19, 2014

Where Do I Start?

Where do I start and what do I say? I kept thinking I needed to make a post about the pregnancy, how things were going, how we found out, our plans for the future, names, ultra sound photo's, how we announced the pregnancy, what everyones reactions were… I never got around to it.

The first person I had to tell that we had lost the baby was the receptionist for ultrasounds at the doctor's office.  We came out of the room and walked right past her.  She said "Well that was quick! Wait, you still have to have your finger pricked!"

We had gone in for a regular checkup.  Afterwards the doctor asked if I wanted that defect screening where they measure the baby's neck on ultrasound and then do a blood test on the mother. I said yes and asked if it were possible to just do it today. I was so sick of tests or doctor visits every week! We were in luck, they'd recently and one of their ultrasound tech's  come back so they were less busy than usual. I was excited to see our baby again.  It had been a month since we'd seen our little bean on the screen, seen the heart beat and had proof of our second miracle. I had shared the ultrasound photo's with my family and friends and felt a rush of love when my parents responded with excitement and tears of joy.  With high risk pregnancies sometimes you get the perk of having more ultrasounds, so every week I hoped we'd get to see our baby again.

I sat on the table in the hospital gown waiting for the ultrasound tech to return. She hadn't been able to see much from the outer US - "because I wasn't very far along"… but I had a knot in my stomach. I felt nervous. I told Danny I felt anxious for some reason. And where had she gone? She was taking too long.  For the past two weeks i'd had irrational fears that something was wrong with Rowan or that he'd stopped breathing in his sleep. I'd become anxious and have to check on him, I always found my perfect little son snoozing away soundly.

The ultrasound tech was taking too long examining my… ovaries. Unease increased inside of me. Why was she doing that? Why weren't we seeing our baby? Then the doctor entered the room and I knew.  The tech turned the view to our baby. The doctor asked how far along I was supposed to be, she respond with "12 weeks 5 days."

"It's not is it?" I asked. Finally realizing we should be hearing a heart beat right now. And we weren't.

"No. It looks like the baby no longer has a heart beat. And stopped growing at about 8 and a half weeks." The doctor said.  He went on, about options and how this just happens sometimes when things weren't developing correctly. He said we could have the weekend to decide "What to do." I told them I understood.

After dressing and returning to the room Danny tried to hug me, I pushed him away and said "Not here." I just couldn't break down there, in front of strangers. My baby was dead.

The unease I had felt that something was wrong with "my baby" suddenly made sense. I had been carrying my baby who was no longer with us for weeks, I just hadn't realized it and been focusing on the wrong baby; Rowan. From the very beginning this pregnancy seemed different, but everyone says that each one is different. I knew I was pregnant long before it was showing up on home pregnancy tests. I was becoming more and more frustrated as symptoms kept showing and the blue line never did. Eventually I started worrying maybe it were ectopic or something so I went in to the doctors, the did a blood test and got a very low positive result. We returned a few days later to have the hcg levels in normal ranges. I wasn't near as sick with this pregnancy. In the beginning I worried, maybe something wasn't right? For having been so sick with my first it was unusual to not be… and a sign that things weren't normal. I told friends I was concerned, they assured me things were fine.  When we saw our baby on the ultrasound at what I KNEW to be 9 and a half weeks, heart beating away my fears were calmed, although I was a little bummed they moved the due date  back according to the baby measuring only 7 weeks.

The pregnancy continued, or so I thought and I just wasn't near as sick as before. I was so grateful and thought "What a blessing!" My biggest fear with trying for another baby with Rowan being so young was if I would be too sick to take care of him. I just thought that heavenly father must know what I can handle, and he knew it was time to send us another baby so he lightened the load. I was so grateful.

I'd be lying if I didn't say how stupid that makes me feel now. How foolish I feel for all of those times on our knees we prayed for a baby who was no longer living and had no idea.  Don't tell me I don't "need" or "shouldn't" feel that way, I just do. For all of those times I looked down at my abdomen in the shower and smiled at the miracle or stroked my belly while falling asleep wondering if we would have a baby girl this time… I feel so, so, just dumb.  I feel lots of different emotions though. That's how grief is. Anger, sorrow, pain. And in that first week after, when shock was still present there were times when I felt so much love, between my husband and I and from dear friends. I felt myself exploding with an overload of raw, human experience.  I was deeply upset by the knowledge that our child was no longer living inside of me. When I finally made the decision to have the d&c procedure I was flooded with peace. And fear. I was very worried i'd be having a living baby removed even though I knew that i'd seen there was no heart beat.

My mom came to stay for almost two weeks a few days after having the procedure. It was great to have her support and the distraction. It has only been three weeks since we found out and people somehow seem to expect me to be "fine." To be ready to "get over it." I'm not going to apologize for feeling. I'm human and that baby was a person who was to join our family in 6 short months. It's hard for a society to acknowledge such a loss while aborting children of the same age at the same time.  It's hard for a society to not look down on someone for being honest and saying "I need more time." For not jumping ahead and throwing themselves back into life, into distraction. For not just saying "I'm fine."  I understand myself and that emotions must be addressed instead of stuffed away, or they will exhibit themselves in unhealthy ways in time.  This is not me being negative, this is not me thinking I cannot handle it. It's me, dealing with my loss in my own way in my own time.

The distraction for the first two weeks was good… except for at night, when my subconscious brought the pain to the surface to haunt my dreams. I took some time to feel the pain and grief a couple of nights ago after my mom left and while Danny was on a field exercise.  I took the ultrasounds from the fridge.  I got the "Only Child Expiring" onsie out of Rowan's drawer and I wrote my angel baby a letter. I felt the loss, the unfulfilled dream and I told my child how they were made in love, and how much I wanted and love them. I told them how much I wished I knew if they were a boy or girl so I could give them a name. I told them how I knew we would be together someday. That they were mine and I theirs for eternity.  Then I placed them, along with a newborn sized diaper i'd purchased for our baby all in a little box wrapped in pretty paper.

I hope we never have more ultrasound photo's to add to that box.

People keep asking. How far along are you now? Do you know the gender yet? I know it's not your fault.  How do I look at you and say it? Over and over?

Where do I start?

I know I will see my baby again. I know others have gone through this as well. I know there will be other children. I know we will be fine.